Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Audacity of Stupidity

First thing you should know is that we didn't go back to Church today. And I'll have you know I am NOT responsible. Blame it on the first day of school being tomorrow and the fact that my girls have a LOT of hair -- my youngest is screaming about the hot comb as I type "Be easy on me please!" she screams with tear-filled eyes.

Anyway, on to this week's post.

According to a Time Magazine poll, 24% of Americans believe that President Obama is really a Muslim with 47% believing he's a Christian. This, of course was fueled by his tacit support the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque." 

I say they're both wrong. 

Why? Because I say Obama is an athiest. 

Granted, I've never met the man but I think I understand him. 

According to his biography "Audacity of Hope," (a book my mother-in-law gave me years ago and I subsequently never read. I like to think my closet full of Obama t-shirts has made up for this lack.), Obama was raised in a household where religion was studied rather than followed. Apparently, much like my parents, Obama's mama didn't force any religion on her son but sort laid out a smorgasbord of beliefs for him to pick from.

Here's a representative quote from the book (at least I hope it is, I'm trusting you Google):

"I was not raised in a religious household. For my mother, organized religion too often dressed up closed-mindedness in the garb of piety, cruelty and oppression in the cloak of righteousness. However, in her mind, a working knowledge of the world's great religions was a necessary part of any well-rounded education. In our household the Bible, the Koran, and the Bhagavad Gita sat on the shelf alongside books of Greek and Norse and African mythology." 

Can you see why I voted for the man?

For him Thor is about as real as Jesus or Buddah. And while you could start a war over the validity of biblical claims, no one will lift a finger to dispute the historical accuracy of Thor (I would, however, like to raise a finger and say that the Thor movie looks better than I expected). 

Now, as we all know, at some point Obama went all "Black mainstream" when he converted to Christianity and joined a big-time church. End of story, right? 


May I submit my conspiracy theory about Obama's true faith? Well yes I may because it's my f'n blog! You just sit back and read. 

I believe that Obama realized early on that he wanted to run for high office and set about to strategically make his life electable. How did he do that? The following steps are taken directly from President Obama's notebook. 

STEP ONE: Marry a Black woman

I'm not saying Barack isn't genuinely in love with Michelle (I'm on record saying that she is not the best-looking woman in the world, but she is basically attractive and she does have a donk), but I DO think he CHOSE to date a Black woman for the real fact that no Black man (bi-racial or otherwise) could get elected with a White woman on his arm. I can tell you no Black woman I know would vote for him and I'm pretty sure it would turn off lots of White folks, too. Call it the Harold Ford effect. 

STEP TWO: Become a Christian
Whenever I speak to someone about my lack of Christianity, there's usually this sudden call to arms "you should read this" or "watch Passion of the Christ" or worse, "you should come to my church." The underlying idea is that somewhere out there is the perfect convincing argument for Jesus. And what I like to reply with the following: "Me suddenly believing in Christian mythology is about as likely as you believing in the truth of Santa Claus." Granted both may have some historical roots, but when you add in water/wine conversions and reindeer with electric noses it gets a bit fuzzy. 

All that said, I just don't believe any one who claims to start believing in the mythology of religion as an adult. Especially not someone I want running the country. If he was born with it, hey, fine. You can't pick your parents and if they foisted some religion on you that you can't set aside, I'm fine with that. Not to mention, as an American I don't really have a fucking choice since we only elect Christians. But any one convinced of the stories of the bible after they've started paying mortgages is just unfathomable to me. 

So honestly, I'm not surprised that President Obama's religious belief is under attack. It's hard to play ball if you don't know the rules. Actually, that's not right. It's hard to play ball if you don't really feel like playing. I'm sure he KNOWS the rules of the game but just doesn't really have his heart in it. And I guess his lack of faith is showing but you know what FUCK IT, he's already President! Suck that Tea baggers! Hey, it's not like you can impeach him for NOT being a chri. . . 

Oooh, I should stop typing right now in case anyone gets any ideas.  

PS: There is a Step 3 -- Shave Off Facial Hair
I submit that no Black man could be elected President rocking ANY trace of facial hair. It's Lando Calrissian Clause. Why else would he only be a sidekick when it was HE that blew up the Death Star with HIS Millenium Falcon! Don't question it.

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