Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bible Toys Suck

Bible toys suck.

Case in point: My wife recently held a birthday party at our house for one of her friends' children. Not ours, mind you but a child I had never seen before was now having a birthday party at my house with cake, games, the whole shebang. Not to say the kid wasn't deserving. As a matter of fact the kid is super deserving since he's got a brain tumor and really hasn't had any parties on account that his two brothers are also really sick. So as you can imagine, it's kind of tough for me to find an opportunity to be a snarky asshole when presented in the face of such unabashed goodwill.

That is until . . .

One of the mothers shows up with a Samson doll (see picture above)

Hey kids, are those comic book and movie franchise heroes getting a bit too worldly? Looking for soemthing a little old-school, self-righteous and boring to play with? Well, great news! The geniuses who brought you "All Jew Babies Must Die" Old Testatment Action Set (complete with lamb's blood on every door) have banded together to bring you . . . bible action figures! Just think, now you can experience hours of mind-numbing church lessons in your very home! EVERY DAY will be Sunday -- yippeee!

Now, I was already aware that people made bible "action" figures (with both White skin AND historically-accurate beige) but I didn't think anybody, outside of ironic college students actually bought them. Much less, for real children who, I can only imagine, would be supremely disappointed to find a Moses or Nebuchannezer doll instead of Batman, Superman or a mutated, turtle trained in martial arts.

I think it's important to restate that the kid who opened said gift only has six birthdays under his belt, and of those six years, perhaps two included actual parties so he was ripe to enjoy pretty much anything that had been wrapped up and given to him. So while he wasn't as let down or shocked by the gift as I was, he never actually opened it either.

But here's why biblical toys suck. Not because they're biblical, but because bible toys aren't for kids, they're for the adults who buy them. I've done my research and found there are exactly TWO motives for buying bible toys:

1. To keep actual cool toys away from your kids for fear that the toys are satanic, evil or fun. I submit that this is parental abuse and should be a crime (I suggest starting a drive or a fund or contacting your congressman)

2. To show off your righteousness as a god-fearing parent the same way some parents love to announce "well my little Jimmy only watches two hours of TV a week, so he doesn't know anything about this Sponge, uh, Bob character."

Neither motive really takes in consideration that the kids who have to play with these toys live in the real world where teenagers bitten by radioactive spiders are actually heroes and NOT demon spawns out to teach kids about sodomy and gay marriage (which, may be the same thing in some cases).

Most importantly, the knuckleheaded parents who buy these toys seem intent on ruining a kid's imagination. Sure, I think the Bible is mostly make-believe, but 90% of this country does not, which puts bible toys in a new and possibly worse category -- HISTORICAL toys. And when's the last time your kid asked to play with an Abe Lincoln action figure?

Your kid's rampant imagination is only going to last a good 10-11 years, so why ruin it with your moral, theological hang-ups? Let them imagine a world where an orphaned boy will avenges his parents' deaths by wearing a cape and cowl. Or one where a woman named Barbara can be an astronaut, a singer AND a stay-at-home mom.

Trust me, they'll have the rest of their lives to stress over what small infraction they've incurred to deserve hell without you dangling the Jesus, Mary and Joseph "Immaculate Conception" playset in their faces.