Thursday, April 9, 2009


So, I'm at home today on "sick leave" -- cough, cough. For real, my wife really was at the hospital (nothing serious), so I had to pitch hit for her home day care (which includes my daughters, a five year old boy and a four-month old infant). In other words, fun, fun, fun!

Anyway, around 10:30 there's a knock at my door. Lo and behold it's the Jehovah's Witnesses!

Flanked by three old women, they quietly ask me if my wife is home. I tell them "no" and they smile and hand me a little booklet. No muss, no fuss.

Not an hour later, the doorbell rings again.


But this time . . . a familiar face.

Oh shit, it's the JW who had been "studying" with my wife for three years until she tried the hard sell and got the boot (you can read about that confrontation right here). It was like seeing some chick you dissed over the phone suddenly show up at your door with flowers.

I'll give the woman her props, she is persistant. When you take into account that my wife pretty much told her to buzz off AND that she read my blog account of visiting her church, excuse me, Hall -- you figure this woman REALLY is convinced that she knows Jesus. Bless her heart.

"Hi David," -- she never remembers my name.

"Hi, how are you?" -- I don't care to remind her.

"Is your wife home?"

"No, she's not."

"Oh well, can you give this to her?" She said handing me the exact booklet the other crew gave me.

"No problem." I'm not lying, I really will give it to her -- so we can laugh together.

"Well, just so you know, we're having a celebration tonight just around the corner so if you want to come by."

So what celebration warrants TWO visits from the JW's within an hour? What's all the hub bub?

Why, the death of Jesus.

Um, Yay?

The booklet read: "Each year, Jehovah's Witnesses mark the anniversary of Jesus' death with a simple ceremony. . . This year, the anniversary falls on Thursday, April 9."

Awww, how inconvenient. Thursday night is the night for "The Office" and "30 Rock" so . . . maybe Jesus should have picked another day to kick the bucket (yes, I have a DVR but I like those shows LIVE). Not to mention, I've seen the JW version of a "rousing day at church" so I can only imagine that a JW's version of a "simple ceremony" would be a lot like playing solitaire in front of a mirror -- only slightly more boring.

Being an optimist, I understand hoping against hope. So, I totally get that look in her eye when she offered the invitation. Sadly, I think she understood the look in my eye that said something like "ain't no way in hell we're showing up."

Not to be mean, but if I'm not going to regular church for Easter (God willing), why would I show up for a second-hand religion's simple ceremony? Yes, the blogging fodder would be AMAZING, but I'm simply not up to it tonight -- need I remind you what's coming on?

With only three days to go, my plans for a sacrilious Easter are looking pretty, pretty, good.

What could possibly go wrong?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Did I tell you that I almost joined a church?

Yeah, it was last Sunday.

Actually, it started Saturday when I saw a really attractive flyer in my door. It was someone changing a tire except the tire was colored like the planet earth. Corny? Maybe, but it got to me (That's part of the image above with the best part inexplicably cut off -- damn technology).

So I read on.

"Why does Easter matter? Because through the life of Jesus Christ, God's love has been unleashed in the world."

Perhaps I should have seen that coming since the url emblazoned on the flyer was but I soldiered on mainly because I saw stuff like this:

"his followers here in your neighborhood are sheltering the homeless, caring for the elderly, providing volunteers in our public schools - and reaching out around the world to combat global poverty and HIV/AIDS, and doing many other things that really matter."

Despite my lack of religion, I do like to help people, even if it means hanging out with church folks or even, gulp, going into a church to do so.

So, last Sunday, I called the number on the flyer for the church nearest me.

Here's a somewhat fabricated transcript:

"Hello, I got a flyer in the mail and I'm interested in helping out in our community."

"Great, will you be coming to church on Sunday?"

"Uh, no but . . . ."


Actually, the call was longer than that and the guy ended up giving me some very useful, non-church related contacts, but the it did end that way.

Indeed, they weren't looking for people to help out necessarily as much as they were looking for butts to fill their seats during Easter, which is like the Superbowl of Christian holidays. No, that would Christmas. Easter is like the Final Four of Christian Holidays, you know, only for the die-hard (pun intended) fans who are REALLY into the game. Whereas pretty much ANYBODY who gets off the boat or crosses the border "gets" Christmas. It's flashy, fun and gives everyone an excuse to spend more time in Best Buy and Target.

So, it looks like I fell for the the old-bait-and-switch. It's the way Time Share companies get you to sit through 90-mins of pressure sales and slideshows on the promise of a free Disney vacation. Actually, that's a lot like church -- mandatory torture with the promise of prefabricated bliss (and, usually, another 90-minute lecture on why you should opt-in).

It's kind of like how I started this blog with saying I almost joined a church when in actuality, that's no where near the truth. But it got you to waste 90-some seconds on reading what some (mostly I) would call bliss.