Monday, July 26, 2010

Oh for FUCK's Sake!

Bristol Palin, the teen-mom daughter of Alaska's greatest governor Sarah Palin, is re-engaged to her ex-fiance/Playgirl model Levi "Duh" Johnston.

This is not what I'm blogging about.

THIS is what I'm blogging about -- according to Reuters, the two are "living separately and practicing abstinence and would likely get married within the next month."

Really? REALLY?

Who is this for? I mean, yes, I get that Bristol revealed her re-engagement to US Weekly BEFORE her mother, so I suppose she believes herself to be a role model of some sort. And hey, maybe she is, I don't know a lot of teen mothers so she could be the fucking Michelle Obama of 18 year old girls with kids, but last time I checked no one was looking to Bristol Palin as a morality compass.

But EVEN if they were, what's the lesson she's teaching? Granted, I know the Palins are a God-fearing people and probably frown on pre-marital sex but abstinence AFTER child birth is like drinking a diet milkshake after eating a KFC Double Down. The irony is so thick you couldn't suck it up with a straw.

All of this points to Christianity's fetishistic obsession with female virginity. Christians are so uptight about broken hymens that Jesus mom couldn't even get laid. Talk about not being able to meet his mother's standards, could you imagine if Jesus HAD tried to wet his willie? He'd be like "that's going to grow back, right?" Even my wife, a woman who willingly married a heathen and who tossed her pure flower to the wind at the age of . . .  let's just say she wasn't driving yet -- said she felt a certain existential relief the first time we had sex as a married couple because, as she put it, it felt "legal." Now that she was bound in "holy matrimony," sex was OK. This a problem on two levels.

1. We had LOTS of sex before we got married soooo . . . . was all that "illegal?"
2. There was very little about our matrimony that was "Holy." We literally got married in a municipal office in Virginia. It was about as holy as a chalupa.

We place such a high price on female virginity that even those who have lost it, not just through sex but through effin CHILDBIRTH are still trying to reclaim it in the name of being a "good girl." I had a conversation with a female co-worker who claimed she was experiencing her "second virginity" because she hadn't had sex in several months. She was desperate to reclaim her prepubescent status as "untouched" either to appear "good as new" to potential buyers or in the hopes that Jesus would get short-term amnesia and forget about the men she'd already slept with.

It's really re-goddamn-diculous and honestly, I blame the Christians which shouldn't be a shock to anyone reading this. And look, I'm man enough to say I don't know which religion technically started this premium on female chastity, but the Christians have really stepped up to own it. And with ownership comes the failures, which in this case, usually comes from their biggest supporters.