Sunday, July 18, 2010

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

(I couldn't find a great image for this post, so I chose this one which KINDA fits, but hey, you don't come here for the pictures. You come for the text baby! Read on.)

Fridays come with ritual. 

On my way home from work, I call and order a large Pepperoni pizza (I've even divined the perfect point on my route home to call in my order so that's its ready when I get there.) My children meet me in the garage with an odd mixture of happiness and disappointment. They're happy that I've brought pizza, but upset that it's not Papa Johns -- a brand my wife hates. My youngest, then claims that (despite years of evidence to the contrary) she doesn't eat pepperoni. I reassure her that she does and we go back and forth like that until she's in tears and begrudgingly eats the pizza. Seriously, this is every week.

We then settle down in our bedroom, my wife and I on our bed, the kids on the floor and eat gooey, pepperoni pizza as we watch a "family show" -- usually the "Avatar" TV show on Netflix. 

Last Friday was no different, except that my youngest said something that would make any Christian weep.

Somehow, my wife and I were discussing the bible -- honestly not sure why.

And my youngest, who has a talent for keying in on conversations she should not be a part of, pipes up.

"Hey! I know the bible!" 

It was as if she had just realized we had friends in common. Her face was beaming with five-year old pride. 

That's not the bad part. 

"Oh yeah, honey," I said, feeling a blog entry brewing in her next response. "What is the bible?"

Suddenly, she became a bit less enthused. Perhaps she hadn't anticipated being put on the spot. Maybe she didn't expect this parent-administered theological pop quiz as her eyes were now cast to the floor and her voice had gone all small.

"Um, isn't that the book with all the rules? The one that tells you all the stuff you can't do?"

Uh, yeah. Pretty much on the spot description. 

OK, not really, but sadly my daughter's interpretation of the bible is American Christanity's biggest problem -- perception. 

Kind of like Republicans, Christians are known as the party of "No." Actually, they're more like "NO!" Sex? "No!", Muslims? "Nope!", Gays? "Noooooooooo!," Harry Potter? "No thanks." Nerds?"HELL no!"  Point is, powerful mantras like "love your neighbor as yourself" have been replaced by "It's Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve." While much funnier and rhythmic, it doesn't have that universal appeal you expect from a 2,000-year old religion. Sadly, they have chosen to define their faith by highlighting what they won't stand for instead of what they do. Thus, Christians are defined by the rules they break. So every time a senator gets caught in a gay scandal -- which I like to call "Tuesdays" -- the general public points to the behavior and calls Christianity a fraud filled with hypocritical blow hards who want every one to follow rules they themselves are not willing to follow. 

I mean, if my five year old daughter, who can't even recall what she eats from from week to week, is getting this message, I highly suggest Christians consider a new marketing plan. I highly suggest R. Kelly's. That guy pissed on a school girl on tape and he's still got fans -- female ones. Now that's a fucking miracle.