Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Day the Church Stood Still

Tomorrow is the BIG day.

Can you feel it? It's like, it's like . . . electricity.

No, it's not Arbor Day (that's in May - I think).

It's . . . .it's . . . Take a Black Male to Worship Day.

That's right on Sunday, March 1, 2009, every man, woman and child is morally obligated to take a black man -- any black man -- to church.

Doesn't sound familiar?

Well, according to the email from my mother-in-law Take a Black Male to Worship Day is "sweeping the nation."

And you know me (actually maybe you don't), I have my Sunday best already -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHH! Ok, I couldn't even finish writing that without laughing.

Truth is, the email did not come to me, it came to my wife. To be honest, my mother-in-law forwards her EVERYTHING that comes into her inbox, so perhaps this was just another email, but somehow I think her sending this message to my wife had more purpose.

If you're new to my blog, you don't know that my mother-in-law is an ardent Baptist, the first female deacon at her church and overall fan of the J-man and all his greatest hits. While she is well aware of my rampant heathenism, I've never been fully convinced that she's as cool with it as she seems. From the moment my wife and I started to date seriously, I've been waiting for the big "we know you're a god-less heathen and we love you but . . . " conversation. And yet, it's never come.

Nevertheless, I suspect the email was not just a regular forward but a not-so veiled attempt to get me, and most importantly, her religiously-ambiguous daughter, into church.

It's not going to work. The closest participating church is in Wilmington, Delaware -- a good hour and 45 minutes from here. Considering that there are four churches less than a mile from my home that I already ignore, what do think the chances are of me visiting one in another state? Here's a hint: it rhymes with "Nero." If you want me to go to church, you'd have to promise that it would be 30 minutes or less, I could wear what I wanted and could openly challenge the pastor at any moment by yelling "THAT'S BULLSHIT!" Oh yeah, and there would need to be a weekly screening of "Star Wars: Episode III" for good measure. Or maybe I would just have to read this book.

Seriously though, the idea behind the day is very nice -- showing that men are role models in the Black community. I get it and appreciate it, but somehow I doubt we'll see the same turn out as we did for the Million Man March, or even the first midnight showing of the "Dark Knight." Still, I think it's a great idea for those already going to church.

Me? I suspect that tomorrow at 10am I will be in my basement robbing a bank or some other criminal endeavor on Grand Theft Auto IV. But rest assured, right after that I will spend some precious time with my kids and wife. Actually, she'll be at the gym. but RIGHT after that, we will spend some quality, family time. And by "family time" I mean watching TV.

Make that "lovingly watching TV."

Oh, you get the point.

PS: That image at the top of the blog, yeah, it took me 10 minutes to find it. So maybe this day is beyond my snarky reproach.