Thursday, March 12, 2009

WWJD -- Who Would Jesus Do?

Even a heathen like me thinks there is some truth in the bible, namely the verse about not judging others for fear of being judged.

Having said that, I was on the website the other day and I thought this would be a perfect time to discuss it.

Don't worry why I was there, I was just there, OK?

Here's a brief trip through the chapters of the site.


I actually doubt it, but anyway:

"Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage"

"Anal Sex and God's Will"

"A Proposal for a Christian Pornography"

Curious? Still willing to press on? Good, here are few excerpts

"for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night."

You hear that ladies? God wants you to give your man anal. If only to perserve your precious, precious virginity.

Ready for another?

"Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits."

I mean, I've heard Christianity used to prove a LOT of things -- slavery, homophobia, Obama as the antichrist -- but even I was taken a back by this site. There's agenda and then there's agenda.

Dude, if you want to validate your sexual kinks, look to Hindu and the Kama Sutra. Not the fucking Bible.

Naturally, you'd think I'd be all in for a sexual misreading of the bible, but even I have a limit on bullshit and this site, my friends, is bullshit.

I've read the bible (well, most of it) and there's not a lot of justification for anal sex in there, nor gangbangs. Methinks the authors of are trying to prove something to themselves -- that their kinky ways are somehow supported by their Puritanical upbringings.

Look, if you want to justify your proclivity for threesomes via the New Testament, I say more power to you. But just don't expect the rest of us to buy it.

Oh, and to answer the question the title of this blog asks (Who Would Jesus Do?) -- according to, it would be a woman who's into porn, threesomes, anal and/or oral sex.

Soooo, I'm gonna guess Jada Fire. Yes, Jesus would totally do porn star Jada Fire. Here's her not-safe-for-work profile.

Don't think she's HIS type? Check out this shocking video:


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Some Conjurer of Cheap Tricks

I am a wizard.

I know I've never mentioned it before, but really it just came up yesterday.

It was a beautiful day in suburban Maryland so the whole fam was outside chilling and inevitably, we ended up across the street with my daughters' best friends -- the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Now, my children know that I am a wizard and ask me to do tricks all the time -- namely pushing a crayon (or something else small enough to conceal in my hand) into my ear and pulling it out of one of their ears.

So yesterday, my youngest (who has no idea that Jehovah Witnesses abhor magic almost as much as birthday parties) asked me to conjure up my famous trick right in front of the four kids across the street -- the same four kids who go to Kingdom Hall every week and occasionally ask me if I "know Jesus."

Needless to say, they were enthralled! After they saw me push a purple Crayola into my ear and pull it out of my youngest's nose, they all became fans/heretics. Suddenly, they were all lining up to be my next partner in blasphemy. Soon I was pulling crayons out of ears, noses and underarms, seranded by a chorus of "oohs" and "aahhs" from the children.

Their mother, a lovely woman who I genuinely like, sat quietly observing and piping up only to nervously say "Oh, kids. They believe anything at this age."

Which is true. Very true. Namely, that a virgin could give birth or a man could live in the stomach of a whale for three days and three nights (sounds like a time share pitch doesn't it?). I mean, if a cheap parlor trick makes you worry about your children's theological future or makes you question your faith, I would consider getting a maintenance plan the next time you go to chur . . .er Kingdom Hall.