Saturday, January 2, 2010

Party Pooper

Well, it's a new year and I STILL have not been struck down by lightning (much to the shock of many of my Christian friends). Take THAT vengeful God! Anyway, onto the first post of 2010.

Last Thursday, as I did my damned best to get out of the office in a respectable manner (you know, without sprinting at full speed to the front-door), I asked my co-workers the same question everyone was asking:

"What are your plans for New Year's Eve?"

Being an old, married father of two, my New Year's Eve plans are . . . they're not plans. New Year's Eve in my neck of the woods is a lot like Friday night only  . . .  actually there's no "only." My New Year's Eve was EXACTLY like my Friday night. But you  know, that's cool. Seriously, I dig being at home with my family eating pizza, plumbing the DVR for what I've missed and occasionally sneaking down into the basement for a little "tickle the joystick" with my mistress; madame Xbox 360. Call me crazy, but it's a little slice of heaven I look forward to every week.

Anyway, while some of my co-workers told me about nights out on the town, more than one said "I'll be in church."

In church for new year's.

Granted, I'm aware that church is open for new year's but so is 7-11, so simply having the lights on doesn't seem like the most compelling reason to go.

And it wasn't like these people had lost a bet. Like "I'll pay you $100 if you touch that road kill that touch your tongue." "And if I don't?" "The you have to spend new year's eve  . . . . in church."

Seems fine for shut-ins and people over 70, but I'm talking single people in their 30's. Let's say you're not a drinker or a fornicator and hate clubs, cool. What about a good movie (Sherlock Holmes is good) or invite you and your non-drinking, celibate, dorky friends over to play Warcraft (seriously, what else would that bunch be playing)?

I dunno, going to church on new year's eve just feels like throwing in the towel a bit early, no? Like, fuck it, I'm not doing anything with my life now, might as well start living like my grandparents.

Again, it's not like I was knocking back Cristal with Diddy in the Hamptons (actually, I would not want to do that), but still.

Perhaps the problem is I've never had fun in church. I take that back. I've never had intentional fun at church. I usually end up enjoying myself quite a bit, but that's usually a defensive mechanism for being trapped in the three-hour screaming sermon delivered by a man with suspiciously too-long nails.

Often I feel that church is that TV show that other people just rave about, but every time you catch it they say "oh that's not the best episode." At this point, I just agree to disagree. Church is my "Two and a Half Men."

But maybe I'm missing out. I mean, Jesus turned water to wine so there's probably lots of drinking going on. And who knows, maybe there's like a Ten Commandments drinking game; take a shot if you covet my wife. I mean those folks in Sodom seemed like a lively bunch, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Ultimately, I guess if everyone I know and love is at church for new year's eve, I'd be there, too. But if everyone I know was in church on new year's eve, I'd be like "you know there's a 7-11 open just around the corner. Let's fill up on ring dings and read Black Men magazine till our eyes bleed."