The Audacity of Stupidity

First thing you should know is that we didn't go back to Church today. And I'll have you know I am NOT responsible. Blame it on the first day of school being tomorrow and the fact that my girls have a LOT of hair -- my youngest is screaming about the hot comb as I type "Be easy on me please!" she screams with tear-filled eyes.

Anyway, on to this week's post.

According to a Time Magazine poll, 24% of Americans believe that President Obama is really a Muslim with 47% believing he's a Christian. This, of course was fueled by his tacit support the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque." 

I say they're both wrong. 

Why? Because I say Obama is an athiest. 

Granted, I've never met the man but I think I understand him. 

According to his biography "Audacity of Hope," (a book my mother-in-law gave me years ago and I subsequently never read. I like to think my closet full of Obama t-shirts has made up for this lack.), Obama was raised in a household where religion was studied rather than followed. Apparently, much like my parents, Obama's mama didn't force any religion on her son but sort laid out a smorgasbord of beliefs for him to pick from.

Here's a representative quote from the book (at least I hope it is, I'm trusting you Google):

"I was not raised in a religious household. For my mother, organized religion too often dressed up closed-mindedness in the garb of piety, cruelty and oppression in the cloak of righteousness. However, in her mind, a working knowledge of the world's great religions was a necessary part of any well-rounded education. In our household the Bible, the Koran, and the Bhagavad Gita sat on the shelf alongside books of Greek and Norse and African mythology." 

Can you see why I voted for the man?

For him Thor is about as real as Jesus or Buddah. And while you could start a war over the validity of biblical claims, no one will lift a finger to dispute the historical accuracy of Thor (I would, however, like to raise a finger and say that the Thor movie looks better than I expected). 

Now, as we all know, at some point Obama went all "Black mainstream" when he converted to Christianity and joined a big-time church. End of story, right? 

WRONG!

May I submit my conspiracy theory about Obama's true faith? Well yes I may because it's my f'n blog! You just sit back and read. 

I believe that Obama realized early on that he wanted to run for high office and set about to strategically make his life electable. How did he do that? The following steps are taken directly from President Obama's notebook. 

STEP ONE: Marry a Black woman. 

I'm not saying Barack isn't genuinely in love with Michelle (I'm on record saying that she is not the best-looking woman in the world, but she is basically attractive and she does have a donk), but I DO think he CHOSE to date a Black woman for the real fact that no Black man (bi-racial or otherwise) could get elected with a White woman on his arm. I can tell you no Black woman I know would vote for him and I'm pretty sure it would turn off lots of White folks, too. Call it the Harold Ford effect. 

STEP TWO: Become a Christian

Whenever I speak to someone about my lack of Christianity, there's usually this sudden call to arms "you should read this" or "watch Passion of the Christ" or worse, "you should come to my church." The underlying idea is that somewhere out there is the perfect convincing argument for Jesus. And what I like to reply with the following: "Me suddenly believing in Christian mythology is about as likely as you believing in the truth of Santa Claus." Granted both may have some historical roots, but when you add in water/wine conversions and reindeer with electric noses it gets a bit fuzzy. 

All that said, I just don't believe any one who claims to start believing in the mythology of religion as an adult. Especially not someone I want running the country. If he was born with it, hey, fine. You can't pick your parents and if they foisted some religion on you that you can't set aside, I'm fine with that. Not to mention, as an American I don't really have a fucking choice since we only elect Christians. But any one convinced of the stories of the bible after they've started paying mortgages is just unfathomable to me. 

So honestly, I'm not surprised that President Obama's religious belief is under attack. It's hard to play ball if you don't know the rules. Actually, that's not right. It's hard to play ball if you don't really feel like playing. I'm sure he KNOWS the rules of the game but just doesn't really have his heart in it. And I guess his lack of faith is showing but you know what FUCK IT, he's already President! Suck that Tea baggers! Hey, it's not like you can impeach him for NOT being a chri. . . 

Oooh, I should stop typing right now in case anyone gets any ideas.  

PS: There is a Step 3 -- Shave Off Facial Hair

I submit that no Black man could be elected President rocking ANY trace of facial hair. It's Lando Calrissian Clause. Why else would he only be a sidekick when it was HE that blew up the Death Star with HIS Millenium Falcon! Don't question it.

No Mormons Allowed

Don't let this entry's title fool you thirdsies (hey, if I don't keep this trend up, who will?), I am a very tolerant man. My father, however, is not.

OK, that's not really true. OK, it is but not when it comes to religion. He honestly doesn't care what faith you profess, but like most Black men born in the 1940's, he can smell racism at a million paces. In films, cartoons, cereal boxes -- the man is like a golden retriever for bigotry.

So when you see my father and want to start espousing your faith, don't be afraid -- he'll listen and only silently judge you.

But if your faith has even a whiff of racist doctrine be prepared for this Baltimore-born, West Philly raised Negro to hop directly in your face.

Case in point:

It was the year of our lord 19 and 87; Michael Jackson lost his third shade of melanin, Prince's masterpiece "Sign O the Times" was still a year away and I was in the seventh grade. It was summer, and despite the fact that we lived in Pennsylvania, I remember the day felt distinctly Houston-ish -- hot and humid enough to melt your face like a Nazi in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Now, like most children, I grew up thinking my father was Superman. And like supes, my dad has his own kryptonite -- heat. Remember "Superman 3" with Richard Pryor where Superman encountered red kryptonite and turned into a badly-shaven asshole? Well, that's what heat does to my dad. Not that he becomes an asshole or badly shaven but he does get damned cranky. He starts cursing more (though that might be hard to notice) and complains of sweating. Keep in the mind, this is a man who turns the AC on in the car during WINTER. Nutshell: Dude does not like heat.

Next on my father's shit list is grass, specifically, tending to it. However, since we were one of three Black families in our neighborhood, so racial pride kept him mowing, edging and weeding our lawn.

And it was on this fateful day of heat and lawn care that two Mormon boys strolled up to my father with recruitment on their minds.

"Sir, have you heard about Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?"

Now, I don't know exactly what they said because I was inside enjoying the air-conditioning and NOT doing the lawn, but one thing I can be sure of is that my father had indeed heard of them.

Having spent years in hotel rooms during company trips, he took it upon himself to read the Mormon bibles while staying in Marriots. Now, without reiterating everything ( see what Mormons believe right here), the Mormons believe that Black people have dark skin and kinky hair because they were cursed by the biblical Cain (the first brother-on-brother crime in history).

So you have to imagine -- heat + lawn + racism parading as religion = the perfect storm.

Sorry -- back to the story.

"Sir, have you heard about Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?" -- I imagine them asking in unison.

"Get the fuck off my lawn!" -- That part I know is true.

"Sir?!"

"I said get the fuck off my lawn. Don't come to my house with that racist bullshit!"

"Bu ---"

"How the hell do you expect me to buy into a religion where I'm a second-class citizen? I can't even get into the same heaven as White people and you expect me to join your little cult?"

"Bu ---"

"You know why Brigham Young started that shit out in the midwest? It's because he couldn't hack it in New York? The only way he could get people to swallow his bullshit was to move to the middle of fucking nowhere."

"Bu ---"

"How would you feel if I came to YOUR house and asked you to join the Black Muslims? Do you know what they think of you? How about you do that? Does that make any fuckin' sense to you?"

"Bu ---"

And then my father punched them both in the face with a single punch.

OK, that part isn't true but it's a great way to end the story as I really have no idea what happened next.