Left Behind (and Loving It)

Admit it.

For one second, you thought: "Hmm. No Third Kingdom update for a couple of weeks. Is he taking his time or has he been . . . raptured?!?"

I mean, c'mon, how great would that be? I mean, I spend my time and money (not really) typing thousands of words about the relative futility of religion in my life and BAM! I get sucked up into a heaven I didn't believe existed. Merriam-Webster would have to invent a new definition of irony because I would OWN that bitch!

With that said, it occurred to me how ironic it was that I had not spent multiple posts on Harold Camping's National Humiliation Countdown considering how rare it is that someone so clearly illustrates one of many reasons to be skeptical of religion. Seriously, if I were writing a movie about my life, I would have invented Harold Camping so my character could create a career on the back of his doomed predictions.

Truth is, I didn't know if there was anything new I could bring to the conversation that the HuffingtonPost and half my Twitter stream weren't already saying. And then it hit me. The fact that everyone was openly mocking Camping WAS the story!

In my brief lifetime (how many decades is still considered brief?), I've lived through at least 10 Doomsday predictions -- the most memorable being some Nostradamus date that occurred while I was in middle school. Much like the days leading up to May 21, my school was buzzing with theories, fears, but mostly jokes. Were some of us uneasy? Sure. But none of us were contemplating selling our homes or giving away our possessions (mainly because we had little or none of both). In all, the world's end was greeted with a smirk and then semi-amnesia.

But this year was different for two reasons:
1. There simply wasn't as much media back in those days. CNN was an infant, the internet was non-existent and cell phones were for Michael Douglas and exactly 10 yuppie jerks in their convertible Saabs.
2. This doomsday prediction was created by a CHRISTIAN. Which, for most people, gives it validity. Whereas we could readily dismiss Nostradamus (French pansy!) and Heaven's Gate (dirty hippies), Harold Camping had all the right qualifications: an old, white, rich man with a powerful radio station, years of "experience" and a dedicated following. In short, the difference between Camping and T.D. Jakes is a few shades of melanin.

To be sure, when I carefully broached the subject with one of my "saved' co-workers, he shook his head in disgust.

"Why would he say that? Now when the real rapture comes. No one will be prepared."

Do you see the issue I'm having here? Most Black folks I know tacitly accept, if not fully believe, that the rapture WILL happen. But somehow, they just knew Camping's datebook was off. Most of this is, I know, connected to the bible verse about Jesus' return being unknown to man and coming, "like a thief in the night." But how were they so sure that this fairytale prediction was any less true than any other? Are there some mass meetings these Christians have? Oh wait, it's called Church. Point being, for a country that remains  predominantly Christian-minded, why was it acceptable to see supposedly impartial national news anchors greeting each other with a sarcastic "Happy Rapture Day" last Friday? Did they have no doubt?

I submit the answer is yes. As much as I rail against those who claim American Christianity is under attack (PS: Fox News Pundits), I can't help but feel that an eroding of faith is to blame for the collective nose-thumbing (who says that?) to the 2011 Rapture.

But where Mike Huckabee and I part ways is that I don't blame gays or mexicans or even gay mexicans for this. I blame, well, the bible. I think in the comfy confines of a family church, it's much easier to accept, or at least not actively reject, some the bible's more, um, interesting ideas of the world. As my lapsed Baptist wife reminds me, "outside of heaven and hell, you don't really think about the details unless someone presses you on them."

And, thanks to the interwebs and the 24-hour news cycle, the rapture -- which reads great on paper -- was thrust into the harsh lighting of reality and made to stand next to tornadoes, the economy and the release of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Give Me Your Money" and the shit didn't stack up.

Of course, Camping has restructured his prediction but, much like Trump's Presidential run, the horse is out the barn. Ironically, the rapture may truly be the beginning of the end of Christianity as we know it.

A Kink in My Armor

As I write this, we are at Defcon 4 for craziness as the countdown to Rapture is exactly four days away. I wish I had more time to devote to this, but thankfully the left-wing radical media is ALL OVER this story. I especially like MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell's take and CANNOT WAIT to see how Bill Maher attacks/discusses it on Rapture Eve this Friday.

But that's not why I'm writing today.

Imagine, if you will (or because I insist), that you are just dying for a chocolate milkshake. But considering that you don't live atop a Dairy Queen, are very lazy and haven't perfected that "instant food" machine from Star Trek, you accept that you're pretty much shit out of luck.

But then there's a knock at your door and, by Thor's Hammer, there's a free milkshake just sitting there with your name on it. Of course, I would typically warn you about free food you find on your doorstep -- much less food with the ability to knock on your door (does it have arms or telekinesis? does it matter?), but you get the idea, right?

So that's why I'm writing.

As you can probably tell, I'm usually at the ready for a good religious discussion. And while my wife and I have some pretty rigorous talks, there's nothing like getting a little strange, if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

And sure as shit, not 10 seconds after hearing a tentative knock on our front door was I engaged in just such a discussion.

Behold, a two white folks, David and Mattie (no, I don't remember their real names), were at my door complete with pamphlets, mousy hair and those damned puppy-dog missionary eyes. Every JW I've met (usually at my front door) exudes this odd mix of overly-confident vacuum salesman and almost-defeated high school junior looking for your $15 to fund the Hurricanes' uniform drive. Honestly, I don't know whether to pity them or drive them away.

In this case, I engaged them. Like big time. 

So, I paid the customary etiquette, nodding and smiling as he droned on a bit about why God didn't really use the Japanese earthquake as punishment (clearly David never met THIS chick). Nice thought, but kinda old news for me. No, I had bigger Jesus fish to fry. So, like a good host, I interrupted.

"Do you think the rapture is coming on May 21?"

David (mid-20's, could be the nerdy forensic guy on "C.S.I. Des Moines") and Mattie (early 40's and probably right at home with a God Hates Fags picket sign in her hand) shook their heads with a reassuring "no." 

"But you do believe the world is going to end soon, right?"

"Well, the signs are all there," David began as I swooned in deja vu (remembering the conversation/confrontation I had at work). David began running down the "startlting" truth behind the increased earthquakes, floods and Charlie Sheen antics which he clearly saw as the trailers before the big show. 

I rebutted with what I found as sound logic -- like the fact that there have ALWAYS been earthquakes and natural disasters or the fact that the perceived increase in such events is colored by the fact that we have better monitoring equipment. Naturally none of this made a dent, at least not for him. But it was for me.

Please to explain: So I am a pretty firm believer in environmental change/global warming. It makes complete sense to me that human activity has had some affect on the plant which is resulting in harsher weather, homeless polar bears and the like. So, why was I just playing all of those scientific facts down? Did I not actually believe them or was I -- (gasp) a victim of COGNITIVE DISSONANCE!?!?

In any other conversation about weather patterns, I would concede that yes, it does seem that earthquakes are getting more extreme, that tornadoes seem to be getting bigger, more frequent. But that has more to do with the melting of polar ice caps, more moist air and what not. I have no faith that it has to do with the amount of heathens in this world.

"So if it's not God causing the increased earthquakes, whose doing it?" I asked.

In a nutshell, his position was that man's wicked behavior was bringing the world to an end -- but where I saw pollution of the air, he saw pollution of the soul. Which may seem like splitting hairs but I don't see it that way. Mainly because to agree with David I would have to accept a whole host of unbelievable notions: multi-headed apocalyptic lions, witchcraft, the devil, Paul Ryan's budget -- it's all too much, and, not to mention, nonsensical.

Take this tidbit: When they told me that a good atheists' deeds (you know, giving to the poor, saving bunnies and the like) did not weigh the same as an average Christian's I asked why. I was told that a really good person's deeds are bupkiss without the J-Man's stamp of approval. Yes, I knew the answer but I really just needed someone to say it out loud to my face. They did not disappoint, but, wait it gets better.

"Does God help those that do not believe in him?" I posed.

I mean if God really is a master chess player, does he only move the pieces that believe in him? If so, why would he bother to punish them if the ones who don't if they wouldn't recognize it as punishment?

"Well," David looked reluctant for the first time, "No, he doesn't."

"But," Mattie piped up for the first time, "The devil might."

If this was a shitty romantic comedy trailer, this is where they would play the record scratch cue.

I literally took a step back, as if to get a better view of this brand of idiocy.

"So, God won't help those who don't believe in him but the devil WILL help those that don't believe in him?"

Now, to be honest, David looked kinda pissed. It was as if Mattie just admitted that "yes, we do spit in your burgers." If he hadn't been abundantly wasn't clear that he wasn't getting a sale before, Mattie had just sealed the deal.

Mattie shrugged her shoulders as if to say "well, you asked."

Oddly, the illogical lunacy of that statement didn't sink in and instead pooled around their feet.

It was hard to react, so I just repeated a shocked "wow" about four times before saying:

"You know, I really do like the Christian message of 'do unto others as you would have done unto you,' but statements like that are the reason why so many people are turned off." I said this not to be mean, indeed, I assured them that I was not "aiming for heaven," but as a genuine statement of disappointment.

But perhaps we should thank folks like Mattie who lay it all bare. She was clear that for all the Jesus talk, many Christians aren't really interested in Jesus' golden rule -- they are more interested in Jesus' Gold Club Card; that exclusive membership that only lets in the like-minded.

Having exceeded my daily dose of BS I bid them adieu and went back in for some breakfast.

God DAMMITT!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Any time someone calls for the end of the world, you can't be shocked when someone makes fun of them.

But that someone was supposed to be ME goddammit.

Alas, I must say Bravo to the American Atheists for really, really putting the screws to Harold Camping and his Rapture crew.

Don't know who Harold Camping is? Well, you don't have much time to figure it out because according to Camping and the hundreds of lunatics believers who follow him, the end of the world is coming May 21. Actually, the END of the world will be in October. May 21 is when Jesus comes back and all good Christians get raptured out of their clothes, cars, jobs and (rubs hands together) money!

Yes, Camping's been wrong about other end of the world predictions. No, the hundreds of people piling into Armageddon-wrapped vans don't give a shit as they cross the country spreading the word. But what makes this different than 1994 (the last time Camping was wrong), is that the American Atheists have enough dough to put up these billboards:

Which are ALMOST as funny as these:

Well done atheists, well done. Too bad it won't make a lick of difference. Neither will the fact that these poor bastards will still be here on May 22 saddled with enough congnitive dissonance to choke a herd of elephants. THAT'S the interview I want.

Actually, I do plan on calling Camping's, uh, camp, to get some ideas on what they're planning to do with all their stuff after they get sucked up by the Jesus straw. I doubt I'll get any replies, but I'll let you know immediately.

Are You Ready to Rapture?!?!?!

So I'm watching "Left Behind II: Tribulation Force" -- the stunning sequel that the critics at christiananswers.com call "quite good" -- and thought this would be the best time to talk about that other piece of gold I was sitting on last week (Look closely to see "Left Behind" star Kirk Cameron in the crowd above).

I was at work, which I often do Monday through Friday, and I happened past the desk of Vanessa, my 22-year-old co-worker who is also VERY devout (you may remember her from this post). How devout is she? Well, she's in a Christian sorority.

Stir that in your coffee.

As you may recall, Vanessa is not yet completely convinced that President Obama is NOT the antichrist. For her, the idea that he may be the Joker to Jesus' Batman is not off the table. It's one thing to question Obama's birthplace, it's another to think his mother was a jackal and that he's hiding three sixes under his afro.

Anyway, I happened past her desk and saw that she had recently been browsing on a site called raptureready.com. There is no "about this site" page but if there was I think it would read a little something like this:

"Convinced the world is ending? Think Obama is just a little too charismatic to be human? Are you just looking for one more reason to shit your pants on a daily basis? This is the site for you."

WARNING: You will be tempted to think I'm making this shit up, but trust me, these are REAL excerpts from the site -- my comments are in parantheses.

First up, the Rapture Index page which is a sober, yet hilarious breakdown of the events leading to rapture -- each given a numeric rating between 1 and 5 (convenient no?). I'll start with some obvious ones:
False Christs -- 3
Satanism -- 2
Occultism -- 3

Here are some head-scratchers:
Oil supply/Price -- 4
Debt and Trade -- 5
Apostasy -- 4 (huh?)

And now for the comedy:
Liberalism -- 4 (Perhaps Bill Maher is the antichrist)
Israel -- 5 (I assume it's a five because it's still there?)
Beast government -- (Is that like Animal farm?)

Another great page is the Rapture Ready News which is really just a collection of news stories from other sources that eerily predict the coming armageddon:
"Artificial Trees to cut carbon"
"Wildfire Near Los Angeles Poses Danger to 10,000 homes"
"Toyota Pulls Plug on US Factory"

Seriously, these things just write themselves.

So, what's the point?

As a heathen I accept that people you love and respect may believe in things you find downright weird, but sometimes when you what they believe written out on a computer screen and rated like a beauty pageant you start to wonder if maybe your friends and co-workers may just be idiots.

You know what, if I was a Christian I would be scared out of my gourd. I mean the Anti-Christ is in the White House, artificial trees are monopolizing the carbon game and Israel insists on . . . existing? Actually, considering that satanism -- which my feeble mind would say is the number-fucking-one symptom of the end of the world, is only at a piddly 2, I would say things are good for apocalyptic Christians.

Here's my point people, much like "satanism," my respect for Vanessa is hovering around a 2. She's a very nice person and has a decent taste in music, but anyone who looks to raptureready.com as a credible source for anything other than blogger fodder is, well, insane.

O' Heavenly Dog

When it comes to blogging some days are better than others.

And yesterday, my friends, was a good day.

I recieved TWO gifts -- one intentional, the second unintentional.

Let's start with the first one:

A good friend and regular Thirdsie Badasschick (a confirmed Catholic by the way) sent me an email pointing me toward what is either one of the best joke sites I've ever seen or one of the best business plans ever concieved.

Enough with the drumroll, it's http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/.

It's a kennel service for people who are saved but for pets that aren't (not only do they shit on the carpet but they don't believe in Jesus either). That's right, in the event that you get raptured, you can rest assured your precious parakeet will be well taken care of in your eternal absence (though I assume if you're given audience with the almighty creator of EVERYTHING I would assume the last thing you would think about is your fucking poodle and if she's ripping up the couch, but hey I'm a heathen so what do I know).

So just who will be taking care your filthy, graven-image worshipping pets? Filthy, graven-image worshipping Atheists, that's who. As the site says: "Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward." I'm a sarcastic prick so it's hard for me to read that sentence without hearing the snark dripping off of it but the site swears it's legit.

Now, you must be asking your self, how much does this service cost?

$200? $100? $50?

Uh, actually it's $110 -- peanuts for those who don't need bank accounts or even movie theaters (which hardly seems like heaven). And since I doubt you get a lot of bars in heaven and can't call the service from cloud nine, potential customers have to pay up BEFORE they get raptured.

But don't worry, even though there are no phone numbers on the site (hey if I can't call Apple about my ipod, why would I need to call athiests about my chihuahua?), the site does have a gaurantee: "For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved."

So not only do they babysit your pets, they babysit your money, too.

Ah man. It doesn't get any better than that.

Or does it?

Sorry, kids, I have to go to bed, but I'll be back tomorrow (maybe the day after tomorrow) with that other site I teased you with.