Like Dead Birds from Heaven

Yeah, so . . . . I haven't blogged for a while.

Why?

Cause.

Now, on to other news.

So, as you know by now, thousands of birds dropped dead on new year's in Arkansas and as soon as I saw the news I just KNEW it would be a matter of time before I heard someone marking it as a sign of the end of days. And to be fair, when I saw the newscast, it DID seem like one of the overt foreshadowing scenes in a Jerry Bruckheimer disaster film, one in which I would surely be the Black (and therefore expendable) best friend of the White hero. I'd probably be named Lucius and I'd be full of life-affirming advice like "let go man" and "turn off your brain, turn on your heart."

Clearly I've thought about this too much.

Anyway, it took exactly three days for someone to call "GOD DID IT" (believe it or not, it wasn't Kirk Cameron). If you know anything about my house, you know that the basement floods. A lot. It's like a hobby. A very expensive, teeth-grating hobby that makes me wanna punch my house in the face.

Anyway, the guy who came to fix the basement was all a flutter about the dead birds.

"I tell you, he's coming back." He said. The "he" being Jesus or perhaps The Terminator, he didn't really specify but I assume the former.

You'd be proud, I didn't roll my eyes, not even once.

I wanted to, I mean my eyes were in pole position but I realized there was no point. We are just two different types of people. Which brings me to the new grand conclusion of my life -- that the world has two types of people; those that believe in coincidence and those that don't. I'm the former.

Birds fall from the sky on New Year's Eve -- Eerie? Yes.
2012-ish? You bet.
Coincidence? Without a doubt.

For some, that is simply too much to handle. The event is too ripe with potential meaning for it to mean NOTHING.

There's this little thing I learned about called "magical thinking," which basically breaks down to believing in the causal relationship between unrelated things. Like, cold weather leading to catching a cold (something apparently EVERYONE believes) or celebrities dying in threes. Essentially, its
superstition and I don't have a drop of it in me.

Ok, when I was a kid I may have avoided some sidewalk cracks so as to not put my mother in traction, but after slipping up a few times and finding my mother in perfect health, the "magic" started to wear thin. If it helps, my belief in Santa was broken once I saw how big the country was after driving from New Jersey to Dallas. AND I WAS SEVEN! Logic started to bear out where magic and supernatural did not.

Now, having said that, I allow that there are things that science has yet to explain and that there may be things like telepathy or clarivoyance (maybe), but when it comes to dead birds and the return of a 3,000 Jewish hippie it all feels kinda . . . iffy.

So, as I embark on this new year of blogging, I want to warn ALL believers, be you Christians, Muslims or simply someone who REALLY thinks being born in January makes you different than someone born in June -- I'M COMING FOR YOUR FAITH!!!!!!! (that's really extreme, I mean, keep your faith by all means. It's not, you know, up to me what you believe. I just, well, I just want you to think about some of the things you say and do and understand that some of it is kinda silly). 


Over the last few months I've come to a grand conclusion; there is a distinct difference between myself and the carpenter (ironic no?) in my house. 

Are You Ready to Rapture?!?!?!

So I'm watching "Left Behind II: Tribulation Force" -- the stunning sequel that the critics at christiananswers.com call "quite good" -- and thought this would be the best time to talk about that other piece of gold I was sitting on last week (Look closely to see "Left Behind" star Kirk Cameron in the crowd above).

I was at work, which I often do Monday through Friday, and I happened past the desk of Vanessa, my 22-year-old co-worker who is also VERY devout (you may remember her from this post). How devout is she? Well, she's in a Christian sorority.

Stir that in your coffee.

As you may recall, Vanessa is not yet completely convinced that President Obama is NOT the antichrist. For her, the idea that he may be the Joker to Jesus' Batman is not off the table. It's one thing to question Obama's birthplace, it's another to think his mother was a jackal and that he's hiding three sixes under his afro.

Anyway, I happened past her desk and saw that she had recently been browsing on a site called raptureready.com. There is no "about this site" page but if there was I think it would read a little something like this:

"Convinced the world is ending? Think Obama is just a little too charismatic to be human? Are you just looking for one more reason to shit your pants on a daily basis? This is the site for you."

WARNING: You will be tempted to think I'm making this shit up, but trust me, these are REAL excerpts from the site -- my comments are in parantheses.

First up, the Rapture Index page which is a sober, yet hilarious breakdown of the events leading to rapture -- each given a numeric rating between 1 and 5 (convenient no?). I'll start with some obvious ones:
False Christs -- 3
Satanism -- 2
Occultism -- 3

Here are some head-scratchers:
Oil supply/Price -- 4
Debt and Trade -- 5
Apostasy -- 4 (huh?)

And now for the comedy:
Liberalism -- 4 (Perhaps Bill Maher is the antichrist)
Israel -- 5 (I assume it's a five because it's still there?)
Beast government -- (Is that like Animal farm?)

Another great page is the Rapture Ready News which is really just a collection of news stories from other sources that eerily predict the coming armageddon:
"Artificial Trees to cut carbon"
"Wildfire Near Los Angeles Poses Danger to 10,000 homes"
"Toyota Pulls Plug on US Factory"

Seriously, these things just write themselves.

So, what's the point?

As a heathen I accept that people you love and respect may believe in things you find downright weird, but sometimes when you what they believe written out on a computer screen and rated like a beauty pageant you start to wonder if maybe your friends and co-workers may just be idiots.

You know what, if I was a Christian I would be scared out of my gourd. I mean the Anti-Christ is in the White House, artificial trees are monopolizing the carbon game and Israel insists on . . . existing? Actually, considering that satanism -- which my feeble mind would say is the number-fucking-one symptom of the end of the world, is only at a piddly 2, I would say things are good for apocalyptic Christians.

Here's my point people, much like "satanism," my respect for Vanessa is hovering around a 2. She's a very nice person and has a decent taste in music, but anyone who looks to raptureready.com as a credible source for anything other than blogger fodder is, well, insane.

"The Shack" Attack

Ok, ok, it's on.

Perhaps she didn't know it, but yesterday, in my kitchen, my mother-in-law threw down the theological gauntlet.

"You know you should read 'The Shack,'" she offered, putting on the best imitation of nonchalance I've seen in a while.

This all started because I was asking questions about becoming a deacon, something my mother-in-law is studying for at the moment. This segued into a general conversation about religion, of which she knows I have none.

And that's when she fired off her literary suggestion. But suggesting I read "The Shack" is like telling your fat friend to read something by Richard Simmons. It's less of a recommendation and more of a threat, it's a taunt to change your ways. I realize you don't know me, but I don't cotton to threats too kindly --- so I reckon I'ma read that book (sorry, intellectual challenges make me talk like Old West prospecters). Today I am going to the library to go get "The Shack" and you lovely readers should expect regular updates as I read it and share my excellent thoughts.

But before I start with my weeks long review, you should get a little background.

Here's what I know about "The Shack."

1. I almost picked it up last summer because I thought it was a Dean R. Koontz book (if you see the cover, you'd understand).

2. My main man Hank Hannegraf (radio's Bible Answer Man) does NOT dig the book, saying it made him "more than just a little queasy." Now, considering that I only like Hank in an ironic way (see my earlier post about him), I'm not sure how to take his criticism but there you go.

Honestly, I'm not expecting much from "The Shack," mostly because all the Christian fiction I've read or seen is just really bad (remind me to tell you about the failed "Left Behind" experiment of 1999 -- I got six pages in before hitting eject). I understand that Christian fiction are morality plays, but do they have to FEEL like morality plays, much less plays for fifth graders?

I point to Kirk Cameron to make my point:

Take this scene from "Fireproof," Kirk's latest God-happy flick about a fireman trying to save his marriage. If only I could figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this scene.



Anyway, you get the picture. My expectations are low, but I'm willing to read -- especially because it's free. Honestly, at this point, the only thing I'm dreading more than reading the book is going to the library to get it. It's like going to the porn store where you are firmly judged as one of THOSE kinds of people. I realize I don't owe everyone an explanation but I feel like I need to tell the librarian "I'm only reading this book to snark all over it, not because I need enlightenment."

Hmm, maybe I'll just print it on my t-shirt -- "I Read Christian Literature For My Blog." Consider it done.