Twitter is for Sinners

I'm not one for trending topics on Twitter. I mean I DO have my own mind.

Nevertheless, I noted that the FIRST trending topic (that is the topic most people are tweeting about) was titled: "NO GOD."

So naturally I clicked to see what people were saying.

Before I reveal, I made the assumption that it would be filled with people raving against the poor atheist who started the trend. I guessed I would see several calls for Jesus and or God to strike them down, give him boils and impound his Saturn.

Um . . . no.

Here's a sampling of what was there:

beyonddieties wrote: "No god? Finally, a little respect for the athiests xD responsibility! rationality! logic! your own judgement!no sexism!no racism!"

Andrew_Vienne @infocyde wrote: "There is no god." is a null hypothesis, just like "There is no invisible dragon." Burden of proof is on those who say it exists.

and finally, gblas wrote: "Si dios vive en mi, espero que le gusten los tacos." Which roughly translates to "Yes, God lives in me, but then is released after a meal at Taco Bell."

After reading this, I've come to two conclusions:

1. Atheism is indeed coming out of the closet
2. Black folks were not aware of this trending topic otherwise my mother in law would have emailed it to my wife as further evidence why our children need to be in Church.

Where the Hell Have I Been?

My last post was in August, so where they hell have I been?

No good answer.

Well, actually, my boss got canned so I've been bustin' up the chifferobe at full speed at work, so I've been a bit distracted.

But that doesn't absolve my guilt.

Here I am punching buttons for the man and you're sitting there with nothing to read, nothing to share with your friends.

My poor, poor reader. (I assume there's at least one of you other than my wife).

So here's my pledge, my fucking scout's honor that I will drop at least one weekly load of my incredibly interesting life right here.

Ok, are we cool?

I mean, if this was a real conversation we'd hug it out and then segue to talking about what happened on Fringe.

But since it's not, I'm gonna say this conversation is over.

STAY TUNED!!!!

Several Thoughts . . .

Several thoughts:
1. What makes this classy is that it's written in cursive.
2. Is this considered a red light or green light for doggy-style sex?
3. "Grandma, what is that shit on your back?"
4. "I want something that says creepy/slutty without having to wear open-crotch panties and frog skulls around my neck."
5. Would her pastor be proud?
6. Who knew her pastor has such a steady hand?
7. When she's at the beach, does she get hit on by old church ladies?
8. Was a t-shirt too expensive?
9. Irony: a tattoo that says it is "not boastful, conceited or self-serving."
10. Wait till you see where she tattooed the verse about sodomy.

Since I have opened the comments to accept EVERYONE, I encourge, nay, demand that you put your own thoughts about this photo below.

Are You Ready to Rapture?!?!?!

So I'm watching "Left Behind II: Tribulation Force" -- the stunning sequel that the critics at christiananswers.com call "quite good" -- and thought this would be the best time to talk about that other piece of gold I was sitting on last week (Look closely to see "Left Behind" star Kirk Cameron in the crowd above).

I was at work, which I often do Monday through Friday, and I happened past the desk of Vanessa, my 22-year-old co-worker who is also VERY devout (you may remember her from this post). How devout is she? Well, she's in a Christian sorority.

Stir that in your coffee.

As you may recall, Vanessa is not yet completely convinced that President Obama is NOT the antichrist. For her, the idea that he may be the Joker to Jesus' Batman is not off the table. It's one thing to question Obama's birthplace, it's another to think his mother was a jackal and that he's hiding three sixes under his afro.

Anyway, I happened past her desk and saw that she had recently been browsing on a site called raptureready.com. There is no "about this site" page but if there was I think it would read a little something like this:

"Convinced the world is ending? Think Obama is just a little too charismatic to be human? Are you just looking for one more reason to shit your pants on a daily basis? This is the site for you."

WARNING: You will be tempted to think I'm making this shit up, but trust me, these are REAL excerpts from the site -- my comments are in parantheses.

First up, the Rapture Index page which is a sober, yet hilarious breakdown of the events leading to rapture -- each given a numeric rating between 1 and 5 (convenient no?). I'll start with some obvious ones:
False Christs -- 3
Satanism -- 2
Occultism -- 3

Here are some head-scratchers:
Oil supply/Price -- 4
Debt and Trade -- 5
Apostasy -- 4 (huh?)

And now for the comedy:
Liberalism -- 4 (Perhaps Bill Maher is the antichrist)
Israel -- 5 (I assume it's a five because it's still there?)
Beast government -- (Is that like Animal farm?)

Another great page is the Rapture Ready News which is really just a collection of news stories from other sources that eerily predict the coming armageddon:
"Artificial Trees to cut carbon"
"Wildfire Near Los Angeles Poses Danger to 10,000 homes"
"Toyota Pulls Plug on US Factory"

Seriously, these things just write themselves.

So, what's the point?

As a heathen I accept that people you love and respect may believe in things you find downright weird, but sometimes when you what they believe written out on a computer screen and rated like a beauty pageant you start to wonder if maybe your friends and co-workers may just be idiots.

You know what, if I was a Christian I would be scared out of my gourd. I mean the Anti-Christ is in the White House, artificial trees are monopolizing the carbon game and Israel insists on . . . existing? Actually, considering that satanism -- which my feeble mind would say is the number-fucking-one symptom of the end of the world, is only at a piddly 2, I would say things are good for apocalyptic Christians.

Here's my point people, much like "satanism," my respect for Vanessa is hovering around a 2. She's a very nice person and has a decent taste in music, but anyone who looks to raptureready.com as a credible source for anything other than blogger fodder is, well, insane.

O' Heavenly Dog

When it comes to blogging some days are better than others.

And yesterday, my friends, was a good day.

I recieved TWO gifts -- one intentional, the second unintentional.

Let's start with the first one:

A good friend and regular Thirdsie Badasschick (a confirmed Catholic by the way) sent me an email pointing me toward what is either one of the best joke sites I've ever seen or one of the best business plans ever concieved.

Enough with the drumroll, it's http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/.

It's a kennel service for people who are saved but for pets that aren't (not only do they shit on the carpet but they don't believe in Jesus either). That's right, in the event that you get raptured, you can rest assured your precious parakeet will be well taken care of in your eternal absence (though I assume if you're given audience with the almighty creator of EVERYTHING I would assume the last thing you would think about is your fucking poodle and if she's ripping up the couch, but hey I'm a heathen so what do I know).

So just who will be taking care your filthy, graven-image worshipping pets? Filthy, graven-image worshipping Atheists, that's who. As the site says: "Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward." I'm a sarcastic prick so it's hard for me to read that sentence without hearing the snark dripping off of it but the site swears it's legit.

Now, you must be asking your self, how much does this service cost?

$200? $100? $50?

Uh, actually it's $110 -- peanuts for those who don't need bank accounts or even movie theaters (which hardly seems like heaven). And since I doubt you get a lot of bars in heaven and can't call the service from cloud nine, potential customers have to pay up BEFORE they get raptured.

But don't worry, even though there are no phone numbers on the site (hey if I can't call Apple about my ipod, why would I need to call athiests about my chihuahua?), the site does have a gaurantee: "For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved."

So not only do they babysit your pets, they babysit your money, too.

Ah man. It doesn't get any better than that.

Or does it?

Sorry, kids, I have to go to bed, but I'll be back tomorrow (maybe the day after tomorrow) with that other site I teased you with.

What a Difference Two Days Make

So my daughters spent two days with my mother-in-law and already they're showing symptoms of religious radiation.

1. They were singing Mary, Mary's "God In Me" -- not a bad tune actually, but still . . . really?

2. Worst offensive, my eldest, out of the blue said -- "What was that thing that Madea said?"

Uh, what the fuck? (I didn't say that out loud). "How do you know about Madea?" I asked.

She said "We saw Madea's Family Reunion at nana's house."

Of course you did.

But you know what, Tyler Perry movies are made for 8-year-olds, so I can't blame her for liking it. It's the grown folks who dig it that I can't understand.

Hello Blogger!

So I'm walking back from lunch yesterday, and guess who I bump into? Leon, of listentoleon.net fame. His blog, "Yeah, I Said It," is part of my daily web routine and he NEVER lets me down.

True story: Leon and I used to work together some years back when he was an intern. He was always a nice guy, but I had no idea the level of funny he was keeping to himself. Glad he let it out.