COUNTDOWN TO EASTER-GEDDON!

Oh, it's on baby!

With Easter only a week away, the subtle battle to get my children into church has just gone digital. My in-laws are getting desperate. Remember the day before election night, the Republicans dragged Rev. Wright out again in those scary commercials? Yeah, it's getting that desperate.

QUICK RECAP: A few weeks ago, my wife's aunt sent our daughters some very pretty, very useless Easter dresses. Earlier this week, my mother-in-law, the first female deacon of her church, began asking about our Easter day plans of which we have none. If I'm not mistaken we'll be at Hershey Park the day BEFORE Easter but somehow I don't think those dresses will fly there.

Just yesterday, however, my mother-in-law fired off the following email to my wife and brother-in-law:

DAILY DEVOTION
Direct Your Children in the Right Path
Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)

I was really blessed when I heard my 3-year-old grandson tell the story of Jonah and the whale from a toddler’s perspective. I was blessed by the fact that my son and daughter were teaching him the Word of God at an early age. . .nothing is as important as bringing up your child in the fear and admonition of the Lord. In Proverbs 22:6 we find these words that encourage us to impart to our children the ways of the Lord: "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." The writer is clear that the training must start at an early age, so that when they become mature they will not depart from the ways of the Lord. He also recognizes the importance of the parents themselves walking in the ways of the Lord.

In other words: PLEASE, please, PLEASE take my grandchildren to church this Easter.

Trouble is, my wife is stubborn and will keep our children out of church JUST because she's being pushed to do it. Me, I honestly don't think I've ever been in church on Easter -- historically I spend that day gorging on chocolate rabbits and picking that plastic grass out of my sheets -- so I don't know what I'm missing. Besides, celebrating the death and supposed resurrection of a thousand-year-old Jewish guy by listening to another guy hoot and holler for three hours sounds EXACTLY like the last thing I'd like to do with my Sunday.

But back to the email.

Here's what I find ironic about it. Both my wife and her brother were raised in church. They sang the songs, went to Sunday school, performed in plays -- the whole kit and caboodle. In other words, they were on the "right path" so says the email, and yet . . . neither of them attend church now unless its for a funeral, wedding or a guilty trip while visting their mom. I'm not sure either would pass the Christian litmus test.

On top of that, both married people outside their "faith" and none of our kids can tell you the difference between Noah and Nebakanezer. You know my story, but you don't about my brother-in-law's wife. Raised as a Jehovah's Witness, she has since defected and become a super non-JW Christian. Well, not really, but she celebrates Christmas like nobody's business which is a cardinal sin for JWs. That and being taken seriously. In short, she's as much a Jehovah's Witness as I am a giraffe.

Ok, so here's the point. The email says if you raise your children to be Christians then they will remain that way. But as I see it, if you don't teach them to value it or really understand it and just regurgitate the myths and fear (which are fun) then odds are they WON'T stay "on the path."

So what if you're NOT raised with a religion? Does that mean you'll . . . stray off the . . . oh shit . . . I never considered that. I may have just made my blog obsolete.

All Dressed Up . . .

These are my daughter's Easter dresses.

They were given to us by my aunt-in-law Cheryl (is that right?) for the great African-American tradition of getting gussied up for Easter service.

But wait, you ask, does that mean I'm going to church this year?

Fret not, Thirdsies, I will not be at church for Easter -- I'm actually looking to make 2009 a completely church-free year -- so keep your fingers crossed. You know it, I know it and so does Aunt Cheryl. But this is the latest passive-aggressive missive in the largely silent, but deadly war between myself and my wife's devout relatives.

Want another example?

Every year, we get Christmas cards from her Aunt Sharon who never forgets to add, in her own hand-writing, "Never forget, Christmas is about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ -- so get to Church before your soul is reduced to a bubbling strip of hell-bacon."

She doesn't actually write that last part, but it is implied.

About two years ago, my wife's theological entertaining of Jehovah's Witnesses, threw her whole family into a tizzy. They all volunteered two hands and both shoulders in the tug-of-war to save her soul -- all doing their part to wrestle her back to Baptism and back to church.

During a conversation with her Aunt Sharon, my wife mentioned that she was still keeping her options open in terms of religion -- you know just dating and not committing to one supreme diety just yet. And, being the understanding and loving aunt that she is, Sharon said kindly: "You don't want to go to hell do you? What about your kids, don't you want them to go to heaven?"

Sweet, no?

And, really, at the middle of this war is our lovely daughters, who, for all my in-laws know, are graven-image-worshipping heathens in desperate need of saving. Hence, these Easter dresses which were either washed in Holy Water or equipped with a tractor beam that pulls the wearer to the nearest Easter Service. If not, the next time these dresses find themselves in church will be when they're picked up as donations.

So far as Easter is concerned, I have no idea what we're doing. We'll be at my parents so, you know, no chance of church there. But the month is still early so anything could change.
Trust me, if I end up at church, you'll be the first to read about it.

Shake Your Ass for Jesus

Question: What's the difference between a Sunday Church service and an ecstacy-fueled, UK rave party?

Answer: Not very much.

If you do a search on youtube for "baptazia" you'll find a collection of videos featuring footage of church-goers "catching the holy ghost" dubbed over with frenetic, drum and bass music. The result . . . well, take a look for yourself.



Ok, there are simply too many gems in this to pull out the best, but my favorite moment comes at roughly 2:33 when a woman calmly pulls her unsuspecting toddler out the way from the guy's flying feet of fury.

Jesus is My N*gga

So, I'm bouncing around the interwebs Sunday afternoon and I bump into none other than Black Jesus (no, not Leon from Madonna's video).

Turns out, not only did this dude die for all our sins (allegedly) but he is funny as shit!

Watch a couple of these skits (courtesy of Aaron MacGruder) and if you don't laugh, know that Black Jesus will come for you like a thief in the night and break your pinkie toes.

What I love most, these videos are 100% biblically accurate.





Here's another one:

Yes, I'm a Twit

Just like everybody else online, this blog is now on Twitter.
So now, instead of waiting for my updates you will see what I'm doing ALL THE TIME!

Drink the kool-aid here.

WWJD -- Who Would Jesus Do?

Even a heathen like me thinks there is some truth in the bible, namely the verse about not judging others for fear of being judged.

Having said that, I was on the website www.sexinchrist.com the other day and I thought this would be a perfect time to discuss it.

Don't worry why I was there, I was just there, OK?

Here's a brief trip through the chapters of the site.

Ready?

I actually doubt it, but anyway:

"Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage"

"Anal Sex and God's Will"

"A Proposal for a Christian Pornography"

Curious? Still willing to press on? Good, here are few excerpts

"for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night."

You hear that ladies? God wants you to give your man anal. If only to perserve your precious, precious virginity.

Ready for another?

"Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits."

I mean, I've heard Christianity used to prove a LOT of things -- slavery, homophobia, Obama as the antichrist -- but even I was taken a back by this site. There's agenda and then there's agenda.

Dude, if you want to validate your sexual kinks, look to Hindu and the Kama Sutra. Not the fucking Bible.

Naturally, you'd think I'd be all in for a sexual misreading of the bible, but even I have a limit on bullshit and this site, my friends, is bullshit.

I've read the bible (well, most of it) and there's not a lot of justification for anal sex in there, nor gangbangs. Methinks the authors of sexinchrist.com are trying to prove something to themselves -- that their kinky ways are somehow supported by their Puritanical upbringings.

Look, if you want to justify your proclivity for threesomes via the New Testament, I say more power to you. But just don't expect the rest of us to buy it.

Oh, and to answer the question the title of this blog asks (Who Would Jesus Do?) -- according to sexinchrist.com, it would be a woman who's into porn, threesomes, anal and/or oral sex.

Soooo, I'm gonna guess Jada Fire. Yes, Jesus would totally do porn star Jada Fire. Here's her not-safe-for-work profile.

Don't think she's HIS type? Check out this shocking video:


via videosift.com

Some Conjurer of Cheap Tricks

I am a wizard.

I know I've never mentioned it before, but really it just came up yesterday.

It was a beautiful day in suburban Maryland so the whole fam was outside chilling and inevitably, we ended up across the street with my daughters' best friends -- the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Now, my children know that I am a wizard and ask me to do tricks all the time -- namely pushing a crayon (or something else small enough to conceal in my hand) into my ear and pulling it out of one of their ears.

So yesterday, my youngest (who has no idea that Jehovah Witnesses abhor magic almost as much as birthday parties) asked me to conjure up my famous trick right in front of the four kids across the street -- the same four kids who go to Kingdom Hall every week and occasionally ask me if I "know Jesus."

Needless to say, they were enthralled! After they saw me push a purple Crayola into my ear and pull it out of my youngest's nose, they all became fans/heretics. Suddenly, they were all lining up to be my next partner in blasphemy. Soon I was pulling crayons out of ears, noses and underarms, seranded by a chorus of "oohs" and "aahhs" from the children.

Their mother, a lovely woman who I genuinely like, sat quietly observing and piping up only to nervously say "Oh, kids. They believe anything at this age."

Which is true. Very true. Namely, that a virgin could give birth or a man could live in the stomach of a whale for three days and three nights (sounds like a time share pitch doesn't it?). I mean, if a cheap parlor trick makes you worry about your children's theological future or makes you question your faith, I would consider getting a maintenance plan the next time you go to chur . . .er Kingdom Hall.