COUNTDOWN TO EASTER-GEDDON III: Jesus Who?

It is 10:39am on Easter Sunday.

I am in my pajamas.

Prophecy fulfilled bitches!!!! That's right, my two-year church famine remains intact as I predicted!

If you've been following along, you'll know that my in-laws have been quietly (and not-so quietly) angling to get me and my family to church today. They've sent my daughters Easter Dresses, emails about putting our children on "the right path," and constant quieries about our activities for the holiday.

Meanwhile, I have been quietly hoping that we would NOT be in church. Not just because I'm a a heathen, but because church on Easter seems just a bit EXTRA, know what I mean? It doesn't so much bother me that everyone is there to show off their new duds and freshly-scrubbed devotion, it's the minister I'm worried about. They seem contractually obligated to go that extra mile on Easter, marathon preaching.

At least, so I'm told.

I don't know that I've ever been in a church on Easter. So, this is just a guess. But let me share with you two comments I heard this morning that further illustrate WHY I've never been.

Comment #1:"You know, Easter really sucks."

This is my mother as she dutifully picks up plastic green "grass" and consolidates the children's chocolate treats into plastic ziplock bags.

"It's messy and the only people who get anything out of it are the fucking candy companies."

Starting to get the picture yet?

Comment number 2: "Oh yeah," she exclaims, "I forgot it was Easter today."

That's my eldest daughter waking up and responding to the news that if the Easter Bunny left anything for her and her sister.

TA-DAH!!!

To be truly honest, we haven't fully escaped Easter's orbit as we are currently getting dressed to meet my mother-in-law for brunch at Houlihans -- which, I guess for her, is the next best thing to getting us in church. I'm sure we'll hear wonderful things about the service and be offered an invitation to attend something very soon.

The funny thing is, as much as I am opposed to church, my wife is the one who truly dug her heels in. She KNEW we would be under pressure to go to some sort of church service so she made sure NONE of us had anything "proper" to wear. All four of us are wearing jeans, sealing our heathenistic fate not to step foot in a church.

So there, take that Christian holiday. You've just been defeated by denim.

COUNTDOWN TO EASTER-GEDDON II

Did I tell you that I almost joined a church?

Yeah, it was last Sunday.

Actually, it started Saturday when I saw a really attractive flyer in my door. It was someone changing a tire except the tire was colored like the planet earth. Corny? Maybe, but it got to me (That's part of the image above with the best part inexplicably cut off -- damn technology).

So I read on.

"Why does Easter matter? Because through the life of Jesus Christ, God's love has been unleashed in the world."

Perhaps I should have seen that coming since the url emblazoned on the flyer was celebrateeaster.net but I soldiered on mainly because I saw stuff like this:

"his followers here in your neighborhood are sheltering the homeless, caring for the elderly, providing volunteers in our public schools - and reaching out around the world to combat global poverty and HIV/AIDS, and doing many other things that really matter."

Despite my lack of religion, I do like to help people, even if it means hanging out with church folks or even, gulp, going into a church to do so.

So, last Sunday, I called the number on the flyer for the church nearest me.

Here's a somewhat fabricated transcript:

"Hello, I got a flyer in the mail and I'm interested in helping out in our community."

"Great, will you be coming to church on Sunday?"

"Uh, no but . . . ."

"Good-bye."

Actually, the call was longer than that and the guy ended up giving me some very useful, non-church related contacts, but the it did end that way.

Indeed, they weren't looking for people to help out necessarily as much as they were looking for butts to fill their seats during Easter, which is like the Superbowl of Christian holidays. No, that would Christmas. Easter is like the Final Four of Christian Holidays, you know, only for the die-hard (pun intended) fans who are REALLY into the game. Whereas pretty much ANYBODY who gets off the boat or crosses the border "gets" Christmas. It's flashy, fun and gives everyone an excuse to spend more time in Best Buy and Target.

So, it looks like I fell for the the old-bait-and-switch. It's the way Time Share companies get you to sit through 90-mins of pressure sales and slideshows on the promise of a free Disney vacation. Actually, that's a lot like church -- mandatory torture with the promise of prefabricated bliss (and, usually, another 90-minute lecture on why you should opt-in).

It's kind of like how I started this blog with saying I almost joined a church when in actuality, that's no where near the truth. But it got you to waste 90-some seconds on reading what some (mostly I) would call bliss.

COUNTDOWN TO EASTER-GEDDON!

Oh, it's on baby!

With Easter only a week away, the subtle battle to get my children into church has just gone digital. My in-laws are getting desperate. Remember the day before election night, the Republicans dragged Rev. Wright out again in those scary commercials? Yeah, it's getting that desperate.

QUICK RECAP: A few weeks ago, my wife's aunt sent our daughters some very pretty, very useless Easter dresses. Earlier this week, my mother-in-law, the first female deacon of her church, began asking about our Easter day plans of which we have none. If I'm not mistaken we'll be at Hershey Park the day BEFORE Easter but somehow I don't think those dresses will fly there.

Just yesterday, however, my mother-in-law fired off the following email to my wife and brother-in-law:

DAILY DEVOTION
Direct Your Children in the Right Path
Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)

I was really blessed when I heard my 3-year-old grandson tell the story of Jonah and the whale from a toddler’s perspective. I was blessed by the fact that my son and daughter were teaching him the Word of God at an early age. . .nothing is as important as bringing up your child in the fear and admonition of the Lord. In Proverbs 22:6 we find these words that encourage us to impart to our children the ways of the Lord: "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." The writer is clear that the training must start at an early age, so that when they become mature they will not depart from the ways of the Lord. He also recognizes the importance of the parents themselves walking in the ways of the Lord.

In other words: PLEASE, please, PLEASE take my grandchildren to church this Easter.

Trouble is, my wife is stubborn and will keep our children out of church JUST because she's being pushed to do it. Me, I honestly don't think I've ever been in church on Easter -- historically I spend that day gorging on chocolate rabbits and picking that plastic grass out of my sheets -- so I don't know what I'm missing. Besides, celebrating the death and supposed resurrection of a thousand-year-old Jewish guy by listening to another guy hoot and holler for three hours sounds EXACTLY like the last thing I'd like to do with my Sunday.

But back to the email.

Here's what I find ironic about it. Both my wife and her brother were raised in church. They sang the songs, went to Sunday school, performed in plays -- the whole kit and caboodle. In other words, they were on the "right path" so says the email, and yet . . . neither of them attend church now unless its for a funeral, wedding or a guilty trip while visting their mom. I'm not sure either would pass the Christian litmus test.

On top of that, both married people outside their "faith" and none of our kids can tell you the difference between Noah and Nebakanezer. You know my story, but you don't about my brother-in-law's wife. Raised as a Jehovah's Witness, she has since defected and become a super non-JW Christian. Well, not really, but she celebrates Christmas like nobody's business which is a cardinal sin for JWs. That and being taken seriously. In short, she's as much a Jehovah's Witness as I am a giraffe.

Ok, so here's the point. The email says if you raise your children to be Christians then they will remain that way. But as I see it, if you don't teach them to value it or really understand it and just regurgitate the myths and fear (which are fun) then odds are they WON'T stay "on the path."

So what if you're NOT raised with a religion? Does that mean you'll . . . stray off the . . . oh shit . . . I never considered that. I may have just made my blog obsolete.

All Dressed Up . . .

These are my daughter's Easter dresses.

They were given to us by my aunt-in-law Cheryl (is that right?) for the great African-American tradition of getting gussied up for Easter service.

But wait, you ask, does that mean I'm going to church this year?

Fret not, Thirdsies, I will not be at church for Easter -- I'm actually looking to make 2009 a completely church-free year -- so keep your fingers crossed. You know it, I know it and so does Aunt Cheryl. But this is the latest passive-aggressive missive in the largely silent, but deadly war between myself and my wife's devout relatives.

Want another example?

Every year, we get Christmas cards from her Aunt Sharon who never forgets to add, in her own hand-writing, "Never forget, Christmas is about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ -- so get to Church before your soul is reduced to a bubbling strip of hell-bacon."

She doesn't actually write that last part, but it is implied.

About two years ago, my wife's theological entertaining of Jehovah's Witnesses, threw her whole family into a tizzy. They all volunteered two hands and both shoulders in the tug-of-war to save her soul -- all doing their part to wrestle her back to Baptism and back to church.

During a conversation with her Aunt Sharon, my wife mentioned that she was still keeping her options open in terms of religion -- you know just dating and not committing to one supreme diety just yet. And, being the understanding and loving aunt that she is, Sharon said kindly: "You don't want to go to hell do you? What about your kids, don't you want them to go to heaven?"

Sweet, no?

And, really, at the middle of this war is our lovely daughters, who, for all my in-laws know, are graven-image-worshipping heathens in desperate need of saving. Hence, these Easter dresses which were either washed in Holy Water or equipped with a tractor beam that pulls the wearer to the nearest Easter Service. If not, the next time these dresses find themselves in church will be when they're picked up as donations.

So far as Easter is concerned, I have no idea what we're doing. We'll be at my parents so, you know, no chance of church there. But the month is still early so anything could change.
Trust me, if I end up at church, you'll be the first to read about it.