We're Off to Church? II: The Reckoning

So yeah, we went to church yesterday. 

I had planned to write about it yesterday, but it's taken me a day to process it. 

Especially considering that I forced my wife to go. Yeah, go back and read that sentence again and then look outside to make sure it's not raining unicorns. 

Initially, my wife was supposed to go to the market with a friend, but that fell through and I was like "so do you still want to go to that church?" Suddenly, we were in a marathon to get everyone (three women and me) dressed and out the door on time, which -- and I know this sounds sexist -- is kinda like the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, Houdini couldn't do it.

With literally 20 minutes before service starts and over 20 miles to travel, my wife, fully dressed, huffs down on the bed and says "maybe we just won't go." That's when my dumb ass says "we can make it." I have my reasons. 

So, 21 minutes later (after driving through the rain no less), we arrived at church.

OK, "church" may be a strong word for where we went . . . let me explain.

First, we were greeted at the door by an older lesbian who told us where to place our umbrellas. That's not to say lesbians don't attend other churches, I'm sure they do, but not, you know, this obviously. This woman, like everyone else there, was dressed like they were heading out to the mall. Seriously, if you picked up a Whole Foods and shook it, these were the folks who would come falling out the doors -- White, 50 years old (or older) lots of shorts and sandals, ponytails and, I suspect, patchouille-scented natural deoderant.   

The other reason why I wouldn't really call this place "church" is because there was no religious iconography -- anywhere. Not one cross, Jewish star or that moon thingy for Muslims. There were no bibles, no hymnals. But the thing I loved the most was -- there was no screaming. There's lots I don't like about the Black church experience, but most pale in comparison to my absolute loathing of the preaching style. I mean seriously dude, you have a microphone, I can HEAR you. And what's more, I understand English, so there's no need to repeat EVERY THING YOU SAY three and four times. Besides, all that screaming is disturbing my nap.

No, the "pastor" at this church was a 47-year-old Black woman with a un-hip afro that spoke like a college professor. There was no talk of "Gaawd" or veiled threats to non-believers, just a woman sharing a story about dealing with her son's growing independence. Naturally, this brought my wife, struggling with our youngest's pending kindergarten attendance, to near tears. 

She was also moved to act outside of her comfort zone. You know that part of every church service where they ask new members to stand an introduce themselves? Well, my wife, a woman who avoids family gatherings due to social pressure, stood her bold ass up and introduced our family to a room of strangers. To say I was shocked is an understatement. 

But that's part of the reason I pushed to go. She's had such a negative past with church and her baptist upbringing that I wanted her to have a good, non-pressure filled experience. And, I guess it worked. I mean she wants to go back. 

Me? Eh, I realize sometimes you have to careful what you wish for. Yes, I hate all the spiritual bigotry involved at church, but MAN is it entertaining! Universalist Unitarians are very nice and very welcoming to a heathen family like us, but that doesn't make them fun to be around. God, I'm like a high school girl who disses the nice guy for the dick who never calls back. 

Anyway, the real fireworks are soon to come. My wife told my mother-in-law that she found a church she likes, to which she replied by literally shouting "HALLELUJAH!" Just can't wait to hear what she shouts when she tells her that "church" was full of heathen hippies who don't so much as utter Jesus' name.

Till then . . . 

We're Off to Church?

There's soo much to talk about this week -- Gay marriage is kinda legal in California; the world's most popular heathen, Christopher Hitchens, is rebuking those praying for his health now that he has cancer -- but I don't want to talk about that stuff now. I want to discuss the fact that I was almost in church today.


By "almost," I mean my wife and I said that as soon as my eldest daughter stopped taking swimming lessons on Sundays, that we would try the local Unitarian Universalist Church -- you know, for shits and giggles. Their services start at 11am, exactly the same time our daughter's lessons are, or should I say, were. Last week marked her final swim lesson (she's at a Level 7 thank you very much) and today was pretty much wide open. 

Yeah. . . we didn't make it. Not because we weren't thinking about it, it's just that we were asleep. No, we weren't sleeping until 11am, but we didn't get vertical till 9:30 and we have children who demand to be fed and tended to -- so selfish.

Truth is, I just don't think we're church going people. Yes, that seems pretty obvious because, well, you're reading this blog, right? First off, we don't have the right clothes. There's a certain look to Black middle class church-goers -- its somewhere between business casual and funeral. Seriously, they must have a fucking store, because I've never seen those clothes outside a church. We also don't have church faces, by which I mean, if someone lobs a load of bullshit at us, we tend to duck as opposed to fixing that serene smile on our faces and nod graciously.

But more than the niggling little fact that neither my wife or I consider ourselves Christians, I don't think we have the right temperament to be church-goers. We're more like "movie-goers" or "museum-goers" or "laying in the bed-goers."

At it's core, church is not conducive to quiet giggling, something my wife and I excel at. Pretty much every get-together is an opportunity for her and I to grab a corner and tee-hee about the proceedings -- weddings, baby showers, funerals (kidding -- sorta) -- yeah, good times.

But nothing about my church-going experience points to the fact that this would be deemed acceptable behavior. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon. That is unless we whispered in tongues. That might be alright, certainly funnier.

However, I think we could get past that. We recently saw "Inception" and we barely spoke a word and I would love to go back and do that again.

No, I think the real issue is that church, while the epicenter of faith, is rarely the epicenter for questions. I'm not saying that right. You can ask plenty of questions in church, but the kind of questions that already fit into the accepted narrative. You don't go to church to question the very need to go to church, at least I don't think you do.

It's kind of like comic book conventions (something I have some experience with). While you can ask tons of questions about the outcome of a fight between Spider-Man and the Hulk, no one goes to ask "what the hell is up with all you nerds?" It just isn't kosher and what's more, I doubt the nerds would have a good answer, at least not one that would satisfy. What's up with all those nerds is that comic books transmit a specific geek frequency (a geek-uency if you will) that these costumed virgins are uniquely designed to pick up. So, you can ask till your blue in the face but I don't think that's going to get you the answers you want.

And while UU church is supposed to be all kumbya with all faiths and even non-faiths, I'm still not sure I've tuned in to the need to attend, no matter the script.

Oh well, if we go, you'll be the first to know.

WARNING: Everything is Evil

I do not make it a habit of hanging around racial conspiracists so I am woefully ignorant of the lingo. That being said, the term "International Jewry" is by far one the funniest things I've ever had the pleasure of reading.

What is "International Jewry?" I suppose it has something to do with a world-wide cabal of Jewish people who are trying to . . . do . . . something . . . evil? Clearly Oliver Stone thinks this is true or did after he apologized.

But maybe he was on to something. Clearly, Jewish people are looking to brainwash the world's children with images in TV and film. Not convinced? Think of all the Jewish superheroes we have. . . oh wait, I mean, think of all the clearly Jewish news anchors . . . OK fuck it, they have Jon Stewart -- need I say more.

Clearly I do need to say more -- actually, I let this bat shit crazy video say it for me:




Ah, it's all starting to make sense. "International Jewry" (snicker) is clearly responsible for the Teletubbies -- a show the courageous Jerry Falwell proved was promoting the gay lifestyle to kids. And now, with Yo Gabba Gabba, they're stepping it up a notch to turn them into Jews. Clearly, the master plan is to slowly convert our children into . . .  Harvey Fierstein. BRILLIANT and eeeeevilllll!

Seriously though, after watching this I came away confused. It seems the goal of these scheming Jewish overlords is to convince everyone that there is only one god. Present company excluded, hasn't that boat pretty much sailed? Granted, I don't see how one god is any more plausable than several, but its been clear for a long time that the world's believers have become very monogamous. At this point, multiple gods is the Pepsi Clear of theologies.

But I tell you what must be great about being religiously deluded -- its that you believe EVERYTHING could be true. Witches, warlocks, demons, I mean Christians not only allow for these things to exist along side Starbucks and chinese food, but they are SCARED of them! But when your faith is predicated on zippo evidence, then you hardly need a smoking broomstick to convince of the reality of witches. Instead, you lean on the popularity of a kids book as evidence that the devil is indeed taking over the world. I mean, decoding hidden messages, solving word puzzles and uncovering conspiracies sounds like a blast. It's also a bunch of horseshit. I'm not saying that there are no conspiracies but when it comes to religious conspiracies, much like religious reasoning, I find it circular and lacking logic.

Case in point: in high school, I had a Catholic friend who asked me what I thought of the pope. I said "not much." She responded by saying that the Pope is one of the most powerful people in the world. Now, I'm not an idiot. Any guy who's convinced hundreds of millions of people that he's God's secretary clearly holds sway . . .  but not over me. His reign requires I believe in the bible, and therefore he's just a dude who looks like he raided Lady Gaga's wardrobe. He's also, in this case, a former Nazi but hey, as long as he prays to the right god, he's cool, right?

This is something the religious conspriacy theorists simply don't get. The threat is only real to YOU. And forgive me if I'm not shitting my pants. Its not because you haven't laid out a convincing arguement (you haven't) but its because you're assuming we're on the same page -- that we're both Christians.

Oh for FUCK's Sake!

Bristol Palin, the teen-mom daughter of Alaska's greatest governor Sarah Palin, is re-engaged to her ex-fiance/Playgirl model Levi "Duh" Johnston.

This is not what I'm blogging about.

THIS is what I'm blogging about -- according to Reuters, the two are "living separately and practicing abstinence and would likely get married within the next month."

Really? REALLY?

Who is this for? I mean, yes, I get that Bristol revealed her re-engagement to US Weekly BEFORE her mother, so I suppose she believes herself to be a role model of some sort. And hey, maybe she is, I don't know a lot of teen mothers so she could be the fucking Michelle Obama of 18 year old girls with kids, but last time I checked no one was looking to Bristol Palin as a morality compass.

But EVEN if they were, what's the lesson she's teaching? Granted, I know the Palins are a God-fearing people and probably frown on pre-marital sex but abstinence AFTER child birth is like drinking a diet milkshake after eating a KFC Double Down. The irony is so thick you couldn't suck it up with a straw.

All of this points to Christianity's fetishistic obsession with female virginity. Christians are so uptight about broken hymens that Jesus mom couldn't even get laid. Talk about not being able to meet his mother's standards, could you imagine if Jesus HAD tried to wet his willie? He'd be like "that's going to grow back, right?" Even my wife, a woman who willingly married a heathen and who tossed her pure flower to the wind at the age of . . .  let's just say she wasn't driving yet -- said she felt a certain existential relief the first time we had sex as a married couple because, as she put it, it felt "legal." Now that she was bound in "holy matrimony," sex was OK. This a problem on two levels.

1. We had LOTS of sex before we got married soooo . . . . was all that "illegal?"
2. There was very little about our matrimony that was "Holy." We literally got married in a municipal office in Virginia. It was about as holy as a chalupa.

We place such a high price on female virginity that even those who have lost it, not just through sex but through effin CHILDBIRTH are still trying to reclaim it in the name of being a "good girl." I had a conversation with a female co-worker who claimed she was experiencing her "second virginity" because she hadn't had sex in several months. She was desperate to reclaim her prepubescent status as "untouched" either to appear "good as new" to potential buyers or in the hopes that Jesus would get short-term amnesia and forget about the men she'd already slept with.

It's really re-goddamn-diculous and honestly, I blame the Christians which shouldn't be a shock to anyone reading this. And look, I'm man enough to say I don't know which religion technically started this premium on female chastity, but the Christians have really stepped up to own it. And with ownership comes the failures, which in this case, usually comes from their biggest supporters.

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

(I couldn't find a great image for this post, so I chose this one which KINDA fits, but hey, you don't come here for the pictures. You come for the text baby! Read on.)


Fridays come with ritual. 


On my way home from work, I call and order a large Pepperoni pizza (I've even divined the perfect point on my route home to call in my order so that's its ready when I get there.) My children meet me in the garage with an odd mixture of happiness and disappointment. They're happy that I've brought pizza, but upset that it's not Papa Johns -- a brand my wife hates. My youngest, then claims that (despite years of evidence to the contrary) she doesn't eat pepperoni. I reassure her that she does and we go back and forth like that until she's in tears and begrudgingly eats the pizza. Seriously, this is every week.


We then settle down in our bedroom, my wife and I on our bed, the kids on the floor and eat gooey, pepperoni pizza as we watch a "family show" -- usually the "Avatar" TV show on Netflix. 


Last Friday was no different, except that my youngest said something that would make any Christian weep.


Somehow, my wife and I were discussing the bible -- honestly not sure why.


And my youngest, who has a talent for keying in on conversations she should not be a part of, pipes up.

"Hey! I know the bible!" 


It was as if she had just realized we had friends in common. Her face was beaming with five-year old pride. 


That's not the bad part. 


"Oh yeah, honey," I said, feeling a blog entry brewing in her next response. "What is the bible?"

Suddenly, she became a bit less enthused. Perhaps she hadn't anticipated being put on the spot. Maybe she didn't expect this parent-administered theological pop quiz as her eyes were now cast to the floor and her voice had gone all small.


"Um, isn't that the book with all the rules? The one that tells you all the stuff you can't do?"


Uh, yeah. Pretty much on the spot description. 


OK, not really, but sadly my daughter's interpretation of the bible is American Christanity's biggest problem -- perception. 


Kind of like Republicans, Christians are known as the party of "No." Actually, they're more like "NO!" Sex? "No!", Muslims? "Nope!", Gays? "Noooooooooo!," Harry Potter? "No thanks." Nerds?"HELL no!"  Point is, powerful mantras like "love your neighbor as yourself" have been replaced by "It's Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve." While much funnier and rhythmic, it doesn't have that universal appeal you expect from a 2,000-year old religion. Sadly, they have chosen to define their faith by highlighting what they won't stand for instead of what they do. Thus, Christians are defined by the rules they break. So every time a senator gets caught in a gay scandal -- which I like to call "Tuesdays" -- the general public points to the behavior and calls Christianity a fraud filled with hypocritical blow hards who want every one to follow rules they themselves are not willing to follow. 


I mean, if my five year old daughter, who can't even recall what she eats from from week to week, is getting this message, I highly suggest Christians consider a new marketing plan. I highly suggest R. Kelly's. That guy pissed on a school girl on tape and he's still got fans -- female ones. Now that's a fucking miracle. 

Is Kanye a Devil Worshipper?

You know how I feel about the devil by now. It's well documented in this blog, but that sneaky fucker keeps creeping back into my life and, apparently, into hip hop.

Below is a video put out by Tetragramation Films (read: crazy people) and it is apparently part of a 13-part SERIES of delusional exposes on the growing amount of satanists and devil worshippers who roc the mic.

This latest entry turned its focus on little-known rapper Kanye West and his performance at the 2010 BET Awards. This is remarkable as Kanye is one of the most vocal rapping christians I'm aware of ("Jesus Walks" is a classic as is the religious-tinged "Spaceship" -- my personal fave). NOTE: I did not call Kanye a "Christian Rapper." One, I'm sure Christian rappers would be offended since Kanye has such a potty mouth. But mostly because christian rappers categorically suck as does the music they produce. And before you ask, NO I have not listened to all Christian hip-hop and NO I will not "check out" this one group that's "really good and not as bad as the others." To quote the Karate Kid, "There is no Christian Rap in this dojo!"

Anywho, take a look at the video and enjoy, I'll be back with a few words after the insanity.





That's grade A crazy, right? I mean, it's heartfelt, technically proficient and sincere nuttery. That title card alone with its "encore edition" lets you know these people are certifiable.

Honestly, I could spend all day talking about this thing, but since you seem to think you have more important things to do, I'll just address a few of the Kanye warning signs.

1. Like any performer who is posing on top of a mountain, Kanye is back lit with his arms out to the side in what the film refers to as the Christ-pose. Apparently, Kanye is "making himself God." Man, if it were only that easy. Actually, I wouldn't argue with this "fact." Kanye's public persona is given to fits of ego and I have no doubt that Kanye may indeed see himself as a Christ figure but not literally. But there's one thing I do want to mention, Jesus didn't exactly INVENT that pose, you know. It's not like he walked around that way (well, except for that one time). He was sort of forced into that position -- as were untold thousands who were also crucified -- if you believe the story. All one has to do is watch someone sink three-pointer and you'll see that in moments of triumph everyone does the "ta-da bitches!" pose with the arms out as if to say -- "it's all right here baby."

2. They next take issue with his choice of red for his wardrobe, which clearly represents the devil. The film even refers to a passage from Isaiah to legitimize the claim. Well, I went looking and I didn't see anything about the devil being or wearing red. Still, modern American culture definitely sees red as the devil, but I've watched enough Discovery channel (which has a very atheistic streak lately) to know that the popular representation of the devil as red is a fairly recent phenomenon. So either the Devil's marketing team is doing a great job or this film's a little off the mark.

3. Actually, I'll get away from Kanye for a minute to focus on the other stars mentioned in the video. One is Alicia Keys whose reference to the phoenix gets in her in hot water because the phoenix is connected to some Egyptian God who used to roll with Satan or some shit. She also plugs a hotline for Gulf victims which contains four 9, which when turned upside are 6's. And you thought 666 was bad, wait till you see 666 . . .6. (BTW, listening to an excellent podcast called Radio Lab where they dug through garbage from ancient Egypt and found lost bible manuscripts that refer to the mark of the beast as 616 -- so take that dummies.)

Ok, so this is what I want to say to Tetragramation Films and all the loonies who follow them. You won! Christianity has become such a part of our daily lives, media, storytelling that it's very cornerstones of faith have become nationwide, ubiquitous cliches. Hell, I say "swear to God" or "God forbid" all the time and don't mean it.

You don't have to believe in the Bible to "get" the "Matrix" movies which are FILLED with Christian allegories. Nor do you have to believe in the devil to know that wearing a red suit and standing on top of a fake mountain will cause a stir. Like Lady Gaga (another accussed of Satanism), Kanye's is BRILLIANT at pushing buttons and I'm sure is very clear that his lyrics, outfit and performance would be cause for this type of religious knee-jerk reaction. At the end of the day, the Bible has a lot of great stories in it and Christians need to accept that they resonate with EVERYONE, believers and non-believers. Trouble is, they can't really claim ownership to the messiah story, pose or any other accessories anymore than Black folks can claim rock and roll. When you sell your car, you can't tell the new owner how to drive it.

Now, having said that. I'm not ruling out that Kanye might be a devil worshipper. He's a Catholic afterall and if there's anyone I know who believes in the devil more than Baptists, it's Catholics. The irony here is, the very same people who warn the world against Satanism are really the only ones who can actually practice it. You can't worship something you don't belive in. Were Kanye a heathen like me, you could rest assurred all the devil posturing would only be for show.  

UPDATE: I Think Jewish People are Great

I'm a genius.

Only a genius schedules a dental appointment on a federal holiday. To be fair, I scheduled it with my "vacation brain" -- the brain that basically runs on auto pilot through your life before you hit the road (in our case, Myrtle Beach).

I was getting dressed (reluctantly) when my wife was like "you should call them to make sure they're actually open -- it is July 5." Smart thinking,.

I called them and the receptionist picked up the phone (reluctantly). Holy shit, they were open.

So anyway, I went in to the mostly empty office. To say they were less then ecstatic to be there is not just an understatement but a lie -- they looked fucking pissed, like kids in detention on Saturday.

I'm led to the chair to get a filling fixed and commence with the small talk with the dental hygenist.

Me -- "I'm shocked you guys are open today."

Her -- "Yea, well that's what happens when you work for a Jew." She patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

PAUSE

I have experienced racism before. Like clear-cut "I hate you nigger" racism. I've had dogs sicced on me. Cops called -- the whole nine. I even experienced racism that wasn't aimed at me (long story short, the cafeteria menu at my old gig used pictures of sleeping bandidos to represent Hispanic Food Week on the menu).

But I wasn't prepared for anti semitism -- this coming from a guy who (yes, I'm going to say) is best friends with a Jewish guy. See there, I could have said a "Jew" but that word just doesn't sit right with me. That's how typically sensitive I am.

And yet, in the bald face of clear anti semtism, I froze.

I froze for a couple of reasons.

1. I simply could not believe she had the balls to say some shit like that. Especially, considering that her "jew boss" might be somewhere in the vicinity.
2. Why did this woman (a complete stranger) feel I was cool with her casual racism? Do I look an anti semetic sympathizer? Do I resemble Mel Gibson?

When I told my wife (after the initial shock wore off), she seemed to have a very quick and sadly realistic answer to why Eva Bruan the hygenist felt so comfortable sharing.

"Because most Black folks don't like Jewish people." -- She thinks "Jews" is an icky word, too.

Now, I don't know that I would say "most" but I have run into many Black folks who have less than nice things to say about our semetic brothers and sisters. Having lived in suburban Philadelphia, I grew up with a lot of them and, in our family, we grew to envy their sense of community.

So why am I bringing this up in what is otherwise a religion-based blog? Because I believe that people's issue with "The Jew" (that feels better in sarcastic quotes) is the whole "they killed Jesus thing." Need more evidence?

Got it.

After watching "Passion of the Christ," one of my wife's relatives said -- without hesitation -- "that's why no one likes them now."

Right. This from a woman who would chop off her left arm to shop in stores that 50 years ago would not let her piss in the alley behind them.

Point being, people who would otherwise find Jewish people delightful have been saddled with a prejudice brought on by, what I would say, is a made up story. That's like me hating white bald guys because Lex Luthor is such a dick.

Man, sometimes religion sucks.

UPDATE: Yes, I attended the million man march and I attest to this day that it was an important day for brothers, but there's a reason why the Nation of Islam didn't see a huge influx of members after that. Here's Farrakhan talking about evil "Jews" and sharecropping Negroes.

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