Oh HELL Yes!

Happy Labor Day!

To celebrate I will not be doing much work, instead I will leave the heavy lifting to the good folks at Baptazia, the incredible people who mix video of people catching the holy ghost with thumping UK bass music. You may recall I posted a clip a while back but there's something new (or at least new to me) and it is fucking fantastic.

If you don't have time to watch it all -- which you should considering you didn't work today -- please fast forward to 1:46 into the clip where a rather portly gentleman zombie-stalks over to a woman and the two have a collective holy conniption fit. Maybe the funniest thing I've seen all year. My wife, doesn't agree, but then again, she doesn't find much merit in "Anchorman" -- a fact that drives a wedge in our hollow, hollow marriage. Just kidding honey! (Actually, she quoted "you have a breathtaking heiny" not an hour ago -- so yes, I still love her).

Enough prelude, enjoy:

Prove Your Faith in Me

If you love me, or just like me a little bit, you will cast your vote for this proposed Green Day Care that is part of the Pepsi Refresh project! It's a great idea that brings quality food to young kids, teaches them how to recyle, farm and even . . . fly. It also requires DAILY votes between now and Sept. 30 to win.

Here's how to do it:

1. Use your Facebook account

2. Text "102627" to "Pepsi" (73774)

3. Click the big BIG VOTE BUTTON on the top left of the blog

Fuck Glenn Beck

I'm sitting at work, catching up on my Daily Show/Colbert Report fix during my lunch break, as I do so often and I suddenly found myself literally choking on a Death Star-sized piece of irony stuck in my throat.

There are two big stories this week that happily dovetail into the themes of my blog (BONUS!):
1. The so-called Ground Zero Mosque
2. Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" Rally taking place tomorrow

Notice any similarities?

Let me break it down for you (ooh if I only had a blackboard this would be PERFECT!)

As you know, the Ground Zero Mosque is really an Islamic Community Center that will be built two blocks from  ground zero of 9/11.

As you also may know, Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" Rally will not only take place on the same day as the anniversary of MLK's historic 1963 March on Washington, it will also take place AT THE SAME PLACE. Right there on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, Glenn Beck will be spewing his highly-rated brand of crazy. But before you rise in your seat and call for Beck's head (no worry, it's empty), take comfort in the fact that  Beck recognizes the percieved insensitivity of his rally and is therefore going to move it . . . two steps down.

That needle-like sensation behind your eye is not an aneurysm, it's all of the Right Wing's hypocrisy caving in on itself like a Black hole.

That's right, the same fuck-tards SCREAMING that two blocks is "too close" to the hallowed ground of 9/11 for the planned Islamic center are the same asshats giving Beck a pass after he agreed to step down TWO FUCKING STAIRS down from where Martin Luther King delivered perhaps the most striking speech in U.S. history (it's right up there with Morpheus' speech in Matrix Reloaded).

And here's the thing, despite some stirring from Rev. Al Sharpton, who no one listens to anymore, Beck's blasphemy is hardly the firestorm that the Mosque is. Why? Both deal with issues of faith, proximity and stairs (I presume the mosque will have steps).

Because as Black folks we know bigotry when we see it. Shit! We've had to deal with Klan (actual terrorists mind you) marching through our neighborhoods for decades, we can't get upset because some bigoted asshat wants to hold a speech where MLK stood. Is it idiotic? Yes. Is it insensitive? Ho-boy you bet? Is it illegal? Unfortunately no.

As King and that other guy, oh what's his name, oh yeah, JESUS once said "Love thy neighbor." What happened to America's so-called Christian Heart that would open itself up not only to those we don't like but those that don't like us? When 9/11 happened, our most openly Christian president-to-date El Busho didn't respond with Christian love, he fired back with American gunfire. To be fair, he was acting Christian-like -- just Old School, like Old Testament God -- he of the smoting and smallpox.

No, this Christian facade many of the Islamic Center protesters flock behind (including Glenn Beck -- a mormon by the way which makes his march 1000 times more ironic) has become a symbol not of love but of rabid xenophobic nationalism -- "Pray like me or so help me God I'll fucking ram this cross down your throat!"

And perhaps Black folks have taken too many "grin and bear it" courses at Racism Univeristy, but Glenn Beck's rally and the NY Islamic Center are not real issues. Poverty, sexism, racism, hunger, those doomed Chilean miners -- THOSE are issues worth going to the mat for. I guess, over the years we've learned to choose our battles. Sadly, those protesting the NY Islamic center and lining up at Beck's rally haven't learned theirs.

PS: Seriously, fuck Glenn Beck.

The Audacity of Stupidity

First thing you should know is that we didn't go back to Church today. And I'll have you know I am NOT responsible. Blame it on the first day of school being tomorrow and the fact that my girls have a LOT of hair -- my youngest is screaming about the hot comb as I type "Be easy on me please!" she screams with tear-filled eyes.

Anyway, on to this week's post.

According to a Time Magazine poll, 24% of Americans believe that President Obama is really a Muslim with 47% believing he's a Christian. This, of course was fueled by his tacit support the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque." 

I say they're both wrong. 

Why? Because I say Obama is an athiest. 

Granted, I've never met the man but I think I understand him. 

According to his biography "Audacity of Hope," (a book my mother-in-law gave me years ago and I subsequently never read. I like to think my closet full of Obama t-shirts has made up for this lack.), Obama was raised in a household where religion was studied rather than followed. Apparently, much like my parents, Obama's mama didn't force any religion on her son but sort laid out a smorgasbord of beliefs for him to pick from.

Here's a representative quote from the book (at least I hope it is, I'm trusting you Google):

"I was not raised in a religious household. For my mother, organized religion too often dressed up closed-mindedness in the garb of piety, cruelty and oppression in the cloak of righteousness. However, in her mind, a working knowledge of the world's great religions was a necessary part of any well-rounded education. In our household the Bible, the Koran, and the Bhagavad Gita sat on the shelf alongside books of Greek and Norse and African mythology." 

Can you see why I voted for the man?

For him Thor is about as real as Jesus or Buddah. And while you could start a war over the validity of biblical claims, no one will lift a finger to dispute the historical accuracy of Thor (I would, however, like to raise a finger and say that the Thor movie looks better than I expected). 

Now, as we all know, at some point Obama went all "Black mainstream" when he converted to Christianity and joined a big-time church. End of story, right? 

WRONG!

May I submit my conspiracy theory about Obama's true faith? Well yes I may because it's my f'n blog! You just sit back and read. 

I believe that Obama realized early on that he wanted to run for high office and set about to strategically make his life electable. How did he do that? The following steps are taken directly from President Obama's notebook. 

STEP ONE: Marry a Black woman. 

I'm not saying Barack isn't genuinely in love with Michelle (I'm on record saying that she is not the best-looking woman in the world, but she is basically attractive and she does have a donk), but I DO think he CHOSE to date a Black woman for the real fact that no Black man (bi-racial or otherwise) could get elected with a White woman on his arm. I can tell you no Black woman I know would vote for him and I'm pretty sure it would turn off lots of White folks, too. Call it the Harold Ford effect. 

STEP TWO: Become a Christian

Whenever I speak to someone about my lack of Christianity, there's usually this sudden call to arms "you should read this" or "watch Passion of the Christ" or worse, "you should come to my church." The underlying idea is that somewhere out there is the perfect convincing argument for Jesus. And what I like to reply with the following: "Me suddenly believing in Christian mythology is about as likely as you believing in the truth of Santa Claus." Granted both may have some historical roots, but when you add in water/wine conversions and reindeer with electric noses it gets a bit fuzzy. 

All that said, I just don't believe any one who claims to start believing in the mythology of religion as an adult. Especially not someone I want running the country. If he was born with it, hey, fine. You can't pick your parents and if they foisted some religion on you that you can't set aside, I'm fine with that. Not to mention, as an American I don't really have a fucking choice since we only elect Christians. But any one convinced of the stories of the bible after they've started paying mortgages is just unfathomable to me. 

So honestly, I'm not surprised that President Obama's religious belief is under attack. It's hard to play ball if you don't know the rules. Actually, that's not right. It's hard to play ball if you don't really feel like playing. I'm sure he KNOWS the rules of the game but just doesn't really have his heart in it. And I guess his lack of faith is showing but you know what FUCK IT, he's already President! Suck that Tea baggers! Hey, it's not like you can impeach him for NOT being a chri. . . 

Oooh, I should stop typing right now in case anyone gets any ideas.  

PS: There is a Step 3 -- Shave Off Facial Hair

I submit that no Black man could be elected President rocking ANY trace of facial hair. It's Lando Calrissian Clause. Why else would he only be a sidekick when it was HE that blew up the Death Star with HIS Millenium Falcon! Don't question it.

People Dig Me

Just when you thought you were the only one digging Third Kingdom, along comes a nice fellow who I will call "TJ" who saw fit that my blog was exactly the right platform to promote his school Westwood College.

So, here I am posting the link to Westwood College -- http://www.westwood.edu/ 

Based on my expertise of Universities (not really) and my thorough check of the site (I looked at the homepage), I thoroughly endorse Westwood College. So please visit the site, and what the hell, enroll. Already in college? Drop the fuck out already and matriculate your ass to Westwood. 

Seriously, do it now or I'll call your parents. 

You don't want that.

We're Off to Church? II: The Reckoning

So yeah, we went to church yesterday. 

I had planned to write about it yesterday, but it's taken me a day to process it. 

Especially considering that I forced my wife to go. Yeah, go back and read that sentence again and then look outside to make sure it's not raining unicorns. 

Initially, my wife was supposed to go to the market with a friend, but that fell through and I was like "so do you still want to go to that church?" Suddenly, we were in a marathon to get everyone (three women and me) dressed and out the door on time, which -- and I know this sounds sexist -- is kinda like the hardest thing in the world. Seriously, Houdini couldn't do it.

With literally 20 minutes before service starts and over 20 miles to travel, my wife, fully dressed, huffs down on the bed and says "maybe we just won't go." That's when my dumb ass says "we can make it." I have my reasons. 

So, 21 minutes later (after driving through the rain no less), we arrived at church.

OK, "church" may be a strong word for where we went . . . let me explain.

First, we were greeted at the door by an older lesbian who told us where to place our umbrellas. That's not to say lesbians don't attend other churches, I'm sure they do, but not, you know, this obviously. This woman, like everyone else there, was dressed like they were heading out to the mall. Seriously, if you picked up a Whole Foods and shook it, these were the folks who would come falling out the doors -- White, 50 years old (or older) lots of shorts and sandals, ponytails and, I suspect, patchouille-scented natural deoderant.   

The other reason why I wouldn't really call this place "church" is because there was no religious iconography -- anywhere. Not one cross, Jewish star or that moon thingy for Muslims. There were no bibles, no hymnals. But the thing I loved the most was -- there was no screaming. There's lots I don't like about the Black church experience, but most pale in comparison to my absolute loathing of the preaching style. I mean seriously dude, you have a microphone, I can HEAR you. And what's more, I understand English, so there's no need to repeat EVERY THING YOU SAY three and four times. Besides, all that screaming is disturbing my nap.

No, the "pastor" at this church was a 47-year-old Black woman with a un-hip afro that spoke like a college professor. There was no talk of "Gaawd" or veiled threats to non-believers, just a woman sharing a story about dealing with her son's growing independence. Naturally, this brought my wife, struggling with our youngest's pending kindergarten attendance, to near tears. 

She was also moved to act outside of her comfort zone. You know that part of every church service where they ask new members to stand an introduce themselves? Well, my wife, a woman who avoids family gatherings due to social pressure, stood her bold ass up and introduced our family to a room of strangers. To say I was shocked is an understatement. 

But that's part of the reason I pushed to go. She's had such a negative past with church and her baptist upbringing that I wanted her to have a good, non-pressure filled experience. And, I guess it worked. I mean she wants to go back. 

Me? Eh, I realize sometimes you have to careful what you wish for. Yes, I hate all the spiritual bigotry involved at church, but MAN is it entertaining! Universalist Unitarians are very nice and very welcoming to a heathen family like us, but that doesn't make them fun to be around. God, I'm like a high school girl who disses the nice guy for the dick who never calls back. 

Anyway, the real fireworks are soon to come. My wife told my mother-in-law that she found a church she likes, to which she replied by literally shouting "HALLELUJAH!" Just can't wait to hear what she shouts when she tells her that "church" was full of heathen hippies who don't so much as utter Jesus' name.

Till then . . . 

We're Off to Church?

There's soo much to talk about this week -- Gay marriage is kinda legal in California; the world's most popular heathen, Christopher Hitchens, is rebuking those praying for his health now that he has cancer -- but I don't want to talk about that stuff now. I want to discuss the fact that I was almost in church today.


By "almost," I mean my wife and I said that as soon as my eldest daughter stopped taking swimming lessons on Sundays, that we would try the local Unitarian Universalist Church -- you know, for shits and giggles. Their services start at 11am, exactly the same time our daughter's lessons are, or should I say, were. Last week marked her final swim lesson (she's at a Level 7 thank you very much) and today was pretty much wide open. 

Yeah. . . we didn't make it. Not because we weren't thinking about it, it's just that we were asleep. No, we weren't sleeping until 11am, but we didn't get vertical till 9:30 and we have children who demand to be fed and tended to -- so selfish.

Truth is, I just don't think we're church going people. Yes, that seems pretty obvious because, well, you're reading this blog, right? First off, we don't have the right clothes. There's a certain look to Black middle class church-goers -- its somewhere between business casual and funeral. Seriously, they must have a fucking store, because I've never seen those clothes outside a church. We also don't have church faces, by which I mean, if someone lobs a load of bullshit at us, we tend to duck as opposed to fixing that serene smile on our faces and nod graciously.

But more than the niggling little fact that neither my wife or I consider ourselves Christians, I don't think we have the right temperament to be church-goers. We're more like "movie-goers" or "museum-goers" or "laying in the bed-goers."

At it's core, church is not conducive to quiet giggling, something my wife and I excel at. Pretty much every get-together is an opportunity for her and I to grab a corner and tee-hee about the proceedings -- weddings, baby showers, funerals (kidding -- sorta) -- yeah, good times.

But nothing about my church-going experience points to the fact that this would be deemed acceptable behavior. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon. That is unless we whispered in tongues. That might be alright, certainly funnier.

However, I think we could get past that. We recently saw "Inception" and we barely spoke a word and I would love to go back and do that again.

No, I think the real issue is that church, while the epicenter of faith, is rarely the epicenter for questions. I'm not saying that right. You can ask plenty of questions in church, but the kind of questions that already fit into the accepted narrative. You don't go to church to question the very need to go to church, at least I don't think you do.

It's kind of like comic book conventions (something I have some experience with). While you can ask tons of questions about the outcome of a fight between Spider-Man and the Hulk, no one goes to ask "what the hell is up with all you nerds?" It just isn't kosher and what's more, I doubt the nerds would have a good answer, at least not one that would satisfy. What's up with all those nerds is that comic books transmit a specific geek frequency (a geek-uency if you will) that these costumed virgins are uniquely designed to pick up. So, you can ask till your blue in the face but I don't think that's going to get you the answers you want.

And while UU church is supposed to be all kumbya with all faiths and even non-faiths, I'm still not sure I've tuned in to the need to attend, no matter the script.

Oh well, if we go, you'll be the first to know.