Bigger than religion?

Erykah Badu has said a lot of crazy shit over the years but on her "New Amerykah" album (which, by Badu standards is a C+. I submit "Mama's Gun" remains her masterpiece. Note to E: Don't string a bunch of overlong interludes together and call it an "album") there's a nice cut called "The Healer" in which Erykah proclaims "hip-hop is bigger than religion."

Now, as someone with tons of hip-hop and no religion, you might expect me to agree with this statement except that it makes no fucking sense. To illustrate, I have come up with three reasons why hip hop is NOT bigger than religion.

3. We will elect a president who doesn't have any hip-hop affiliation (in fact some might insist). We will NOT elect a president who doesn't have a religious affiliation.

2. Israel and Palestine would not be engaged in the holy clusterfuck they are in now if the dispute were over the birthplace of hip-hop. (Unless Shug Knight ran either country and then, yeah, there would be war -- and lots of people wearing red leather jumpsuits).

1. Nobody gets in trouble for taking the Lords of the Underground's name in vain. (Youngsters look 'em up. "#1 Chief Rocka" was the SHIT!)

I understand that Erykah's bigger point is that music, quite arguably OLDER than any organized religion, holds sway over EVERYONE and definitely has an affect. And that's not to say hip hop hasn't had an effect. I mean, without hip hop do you think Maury Povich would know the brother handshake/hug so well -- check him out when he greets the next potential "baby's father." He's got that shit down pat! Without hip hop, do you think it would be acceptable for journalists on CNN to talk about giving each other "props" (and not in an ironic "isn't this funny cause I'm white?" kind of way either)?

But in terms of sheer power to mold the social landscape of human history I submit that nothing competes with that old time religion and the fear of hell.

Word.

HEATHENS!! They're . . . EVERYWHERE; sorta

Apparently, I'm not alone.

In all my travels, I have yet to meet someone else like me -- A Black American raised without any specific religious faith or practice. However, according to a new Pew report, 16% of Americans consider themselves "unaffiliated" with any faith. Were the Right Wing nuts actually right? Is the progressive secular "movement" really taking over this great, faith-based world of ours?

More importantly, how can my blog sustain any of its niche cool if there are 48,568,033 fellow heathens fucking up my property value?

And while getting company should bring me comfort, it oddly does not. Don't get me wrong, I do like company (even if my wife is a little "company shy"), but if there are 50 million people like me what does that say about "me?" What does that say about my specific outlook on life as a person raised with no faith?

Unwilling to let my individuality go without a fight, I did what very few people do -- I actually READ a Pew report.

What I found was very reaffirming.

So what does "unaffiliated" mean? Pew says "secular unaffiliated" is described as "those who say that religion is not important in their lives." Hmm, OK. The report goes on to, uh, report another subsect called the "religious unaffiliated," or "those who say that religion is either somewhat important or very important in their lives."

Huh? So unaffiliated is based upon how important religion is to you? I eat food everyday but if you were to ask me how important carbs are to me, I might be an unaffiliated eater. This Pew guy seems less than accurate.

Out of the 16% unaffiliated only 1.6% are TRULY unaffiliated a.k.a atheists. 2.4% are agnostic. So . . . .yeah, no big news here, at least not for me.

The media, even the usually level-headed Bill Maher, saw this report as ground-breaking but it only confirms what I know to be true. Even as people pick up, try on and put down various spiritual hats, they still feel compelled to wear them. Mostly due to the fact that they've been wearing hats since they were children. But what about those without any baby hat-wearing experience (OK, this analogy is getting out of hand)?

The MOST interesting, though least shocking stat, was that "black Americans are the most likely to report a formal religious affiliation. Even among those blacks who are unaffiliated, three-in-four belong to the 'religious unaffiliated' category."

As I said before, when it comes to Black America, I am a dying breed. And if my reluctance to pop my eldest daughter's "God" bubble persists, I may really be the last dragon after all. But as Yoda says, "there is another" -- my 3-year old who has yet to ask about death or draw pictures of her dear old dad taking a dirt nap.

Bless her heart.

Out of (Cruise) Control

OK, let me state up front that all of my knowledge about Scientology comes from an episode of "South Park." That and wikipedia. Not that I haven't had a chance to learn first hand -- there's a Scientology temple/mosque/church/labor camp right up the street from where I used to work -- but for all of my religious tourism, I never had the balls to go into that building. I was afraid I'd come out in a brown tunic and no pupils (and really no balls).

But maybe that's because I don't know any Scientologists -- or anyone rich and famous enough to be one. OK, that's flawed logic since I know TONS of Christians and some of them scare me, but at least I've gone in their places of worship without fearing a mind wipe and/or anal probe (actually as long as the mind wipe came AFTER the anal probe, I guess I'd be alright with that).

It doesn't help that Scientology is so damn secretive. Call them what you like but Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses will come to your door espousing their brand of crazy. Now, you don't have to answer the door, but they're willing to talk . . . alot.

But scientology is the one religion where you have to go fucking Sherlock Holmes to find out anything (or watch South Park like me). From what I understand, you have to pass all these tests and reach a certain level before they drop the Xenu story on you. I can't tell it better than South Park (so watch it here)but if you prefer my words to theirs (who wouldn't?) here we go: Long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away . . . (seriously) there was an evil alien ruler named Xenu froze aliens from other planets and cast them into Hawaiian volcanos using spaceships that look like American airplanes. When their souls escaped . . . OK, you get it right? No? Good, if you did you'd be a Scientologist.

But it sort of makes sense that you have to sell a million bars of soap before you get this doozy of a story. As a video game player, I understand the logic of logging tons of hours completing tasks so you can unlock new powers and knowledge. I also understand that, like Scientology, games are created by sci-fi geeks who literally make shit up as they go along.

Having said that, stories like Noah's Arc are no more believable than Xenu and the soul catcher story but we've been living with them so long we kinda forget and forgive those who believe it (well I don't, but you know).

Anyway, I say all this because there's video of Tom Cruise talking about his faith in Scientology and everyone is falling over themselves to make fun of him. And yes, jumping on Oprah's couch is weird and so is marrying Katie Holmes but is his Xenu story that much crazier than Jonah living in a whale? If he was on there professing how he believed some guy raised a man from the dead and walked on water, some of us would be proud that he's not afraid to show his spiritual side.

I think Scientology's biggest problem is that one on hand their all hush-hush about their beliefs but then sue people for slandering them. Dude, if you believe there's a volcano in Hawaii with alien corpses in them, PROCLAIM THAT SHIT! There are people running our government who think a dude separated the Red Sea with a stick. As a matter of fact, we won't let anyone who DOESN'T believe that a man can fit two of every animal on a boat run this country.

Now who's crazy?

Why Heathens Are Responsible for Evil

Guilty Admission: I listen to Evangelical radio. A LOT of it. I'm not quite sure why as I have no interest in being "saved" (an irritating term that I'm sure most Christians don't know adds to the perception that they are pompous condescending)by Jesus or any of his friends, but where else can I go to listen to folks who honestly believe witches are REAL threats and that the end of the world is coming? Since I don't attend the third grade anymore, my only option is WAVA in the Washington DC area where every weeknight during my drive home I get to hear the Bible Answer Man, some dude named Hank.

Now, before I commence to snarking I DO have to give him props for making fun of Juanita Bynum. For those that don't know (and I was one of you two months ago), Ms. Bynum is a pastor who was in the news after her perfect marriage dissolved into alleged abuse and rape. Ok, that's not why she deserves being made fun of. But have you ever heard this woman before? She starts speaking in tongues and screaming at the top of her voice and ending each utterance with "and-uh." I mean, I guess she's no different than many other Black ministers but the clip Hank played of her made her sound like a fool. Click here for some that old-timey preachin'.

Anyway, one day Hank (or BAM, as I know him) was talking about the great scam of demon posession and exorcism. So, naturally to hear a man of Christ dispel the myth of demon posession was of great interest to me. Little did I know BAM would soon be pointing his judgmental finger through my radio at me. He went on to say that while demon posession is real (shucks!), those who believe in Jesus cannot be posessed by the devil. He went on to justify through some verses which ultimately lost me but it was the equivalent of "this town ain't big enough for the both us." So who, might you ask, CAN be posessed by the devil? According to BAM, only NON-believers.

I'll let you stew on that for a minute.

Done?

Ok, so by this logic, while I do not personally believe that Lord Voldemort is real I COULD concieveably be possessed by him -- just like the guy who had old Volde's head under his turban in the first Harry Potter movie. But the difference between myself and Prof. Quirrel (didn't think I could pull that name did you?) is that He is a fictional character who also believes in the power of another fictional character Lord Voldemort. Wheras I am a real person who knows Voldemort, Harry and the mythical country of England are all figments of J.K. Rowling's billion dollar imagination.

Seems to me BAM has it backwards. ONLY those who believe in God, and thus the devil, could be posessed by either. I fear many things in life: dying in a plane crash, not living long enough to see the new Batman movie but demon posession never crossed my mind mainly because I don't believe in demons. And I would guess, statistically, the number of demon posessions of non-believers is pretty low compared to those who think the devil is real.

Just a thought, not a sermon. (Oh yea, that comes from another radio show I hear/loathe).

Ode to Mitt Romney

It is not often that I feel pity for white men, much less ones who are rich, Republican and practice a religion with racist doctrines.

And yet, I felt my heart strings plucked a bit when Mitt Romney took the stage this week to defend his Mormon faith at the George Bush Presidential Library in Texas -- is it just me or do you giggle when the words "Bush" and "library" are mentioned in a sentence other than "George Bush doesn't know what a library is?"

Mitt's been under fire for being a Mormon. Check the polls and they'll tell you that Americans are more likely to sign their daughters up for "Flavor of Love 4" than vote for a mormon.

Amazingly, the hesitation has nothing to do with the inherent racism in the Mormon faith (lovingly detailed on this site: http://www.i4m.com/think/comments/mormon-racism.htm).

Got a short attention span and don't have time to read dude's site? Here's all you need to know. Take this quote from Mr. Mormon himself, Brigham Young -- the dude with the school: " . . . some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.

The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of any one of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings.

This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race--that they should be the 'servant of servants;' and they will be, until that curse is removed."

Nutshell: Black folks are "cursed" with dark skin and flat noses because Cain killed his brother. Now, I know there may be some self-respecting Christians out there who will find this concept ridiculous, but may I remind you that your bible teaches that childbirth is only painful because Eve ate that apple. Just a bit of perspective.

Did I say pity, earlier? As I write this, any pity I had for Mitt is quickly evaporating but before it completely disappears I want to point out the utter ridiculousness of Christian vs. Christian politics. My first ill-found feelings of pity came from the fact that I feel Mitt really felt he was part of the Christian gang. I mean, he says he believes in Jesus Christ, I presume he only believes in one God who created the universe in seven days, three wiseman, Noah, Lot's wife -- the whole shebang, right?

Trouble is, HIS particular faction of Christianity got started in the last 200 years so it hasn't had time to become as established as say Lutherans or Calvinists or any of the hundred spin-offs. So, people think of Mormonism as a cult -- and rightfully so considering it got started by a guy who says Jesus was chilling in North America (and you thought walking on water was just to get chicks). Crazy, right? Nevertheless, the idea of Jesus hanging out with Native Americans is no sillier than Jesus turning water to wine, but it's just too soon, and not to mention, too close. It's easier on the brain to believe these magical things happened a long, long time ago and in a land far, far away. Not fucking Idaho.

So, even though Mitt's got the basic DNA of being a Christian, he's not actually in the club yet. And it's not like he's the first guy to catch hell for being spiritually "left handed." Despite the fact that every U.S. president has been a Christian (they don't swear on a dictionary now do they?), even JFK caught hell for being a Catholic. Half the world is Catholic and he still got shit for it. Not sure how JFK fit cheating on his wife with a major movie star into his theology, but at least we confirmed his faith before the fucker took oath, right?

As an outsider, I guess I just don't see how the differences in practice mean all that much. I mean, forget our phobia toward non-Christian candidates. Are you telling me, if a guy goes to church on Saturday vs. Sunday he has to call a press conference? Call me silly, but I would think you'd want a guy who believes Jesus is the only way to heaven, right? Isn't that the big deal? Sure, it's still unbelievably shallow but I'm trying to understand.

The sad part is, Mitt spoke some truth during his speech. Namely this line: "Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree." Great line, I just hope Mitt stands behind it when in 2012 Habeeb Muhammad throws his hat (or turban) in the presidential ring.

Peeking During Prayer

Today was our company's pot luck lunch. Our break room was filled with turkey, macaroni and cheese and the guilt of knowing there would be no more work done for the rest of the day.


And seeing as I work for a Black company, no meal is complete without saying grace. That's right. For all you White folks reading this, Black companies say grace during group meals -- as politically incorrect as it is, Black companies assume you:
A. Are a practicing Christian
B. Share prayer with other folks

It's just a fact. It's not all the time, but if there's a company picnic, potluck meal or holiday dinner you should expect that heads will be bowed and Jesus' name will be invoked.


Now I'm sure if you asked everyone there, they wouldn't see anything wrong with asking their fellow co-workers to pray to Jesus -- because I'm sure they assume their co-workers would be doing it anyway. I mean we're all Black right? We all like greens, we all play Donny Hathaway during the holidays, we all think OJ's innocent, right? (at least for killing his wife. These new robbery charges look bad for Juice).

Oddly enough, we JUST had workplace harrassment training which of course focused primarily on grabbing ass and booty calendars. Not that I would even think of complaining, but when everyone in the room asks that you bow your head and pray, you can imagine a hostile environment were you to raise your hand and say "Pardon me, I'm not yet convinced there is a God or that Jesus was related to him in anyway, so I'm go ahead and chow down on these mashed potatoes."

Who knows, maybe folks would be understanding that a heathen works amongst them. Or maybe not. I'm not ready to test their understanding. Not ready for the questions, not while my paycheck is at stake.

So I made like a polite savage and grasped the hands of my co-workers (I heard later that one of my male co-workers actually moved during grace so he could avoid holding another man's hands -- no, he's not 10 years old, either) but I don't bow my head and I don't "Amen." Not that anyone knows (though I think some suspect), but I don't want to PRETEND to be something I'm not, even if everyone assumes that I really am that something. At the same time, I want to be a team player. For the same reason you laugh at an old person's joke, I just don't want to be rude.

I don't know if you can imagine, but those moments when my eyes are open and my neck extended, I feel like a deer standing in an empty field during hunting season. Except all the hunters are looking the other way, not aware of what looms feet away. If one breaks the format, if one of the faithful peeks -- I'm caught.

But, as I've said before, it's that moment I'm sadistically waiting for. Sweet exposure -- when my pretenses are laid bare and everyone discovers they've been working, laughing and living with a heathen, a non-believer. But I'm not here to mock -- ok, maybe a bit of mocking (see my entry about Jehovah's Witness). But I don't want to disrespect or belittle. Faith is important, for some. Not all. But some, and some of those people are my best friends, my family, the loves of my life.

Thumper Stickers

I, like TOO many people in the Washington, DC Metro area, drive to work each day. In this time, I have read a lot of bumper stickers. However, this one caught my eye.



So . . . I get it. If you're not a Christian than it's just one well-lodged fishbone or three-car accident before you're burning for all of eternity. Right.

But as many times as I've seen this type of bumper sticker, it only recently occured to me to ask who this bumper sticker is for.

What if I'm a Jehovah's witness and don't believe in hell? Now what?

What if I believe in Allah or Buddah with the same solid fervor as the driver believes in Jesus?

What if I don't follow any religion?

More to the point, why would someone who supposedly follows a man referred to as a lamb, resort to such a pithy scare tactic to get you on their team? Why do some Christians feel the need to frighten you with promises of eternal damnation to recruit?

From what I can tell, many Christians have an inherent feeling of persecution (considering what happened to their leader, I kind of get it). THEY are afraid. So much of what they are taught -- or at least how they interpret it -- is fear-based.

God smites. He wipes out the earth on a whim. He sets down stead fast rules and then lets his own kid get snuffed. So if you think you're gonna get away with jerking off to a Victoria's Secret magazine, you are seriously, seriously mistaken.

And let's not fuck around -- fear IS a good motivator. It kept me in condoms (mostly) before I got married. It stops me from going over 80 miles an hour. It pays Brinks security $30 a month. But fear shouldn't be the ONLY motivator for choosing a religion or forging a relationship with god.

I would think you'd want to get to know god because he/she/it could bring you peace, everlasting love or endless brownies. Not just a doctor's note so you don't have to engage in an eternal game of hot foot. That's like trying to befriend the neighborhood bully so that he DOESN'T beat the shit out of you.

But I realize peace doesn't sell (though I think the brownies thing would). Sure there's the "No Justice, No Peace, Know Jesus, Know Peace" sticker, but it still implies that peace cannot be had without Jesus, without a specific belief system. Which all comes back to the fact that when it comes to religion -- it is do or die. There is no middle-ground, no room for error. Which would be great if we were talking about some objective truth. But we're talking about the teachings of a 2,000 year-old book written by people who didn't eat pork because they thought God would kill them for it. Shit, my parents can't even conclusively agree on exactly who attended their wedding -- a 30-year old event that they BOTH attended!

All of this uncertainty is frightening. And I truly believe that if I were a Christian, I would be afraid -- constantly. "Did that blow job in 1996 seal my fate?" "Did God see my dream where I slapped the shit out of my neighbor for letting his dog shit on my lawn?" Seriously, I'd consider suicide to get it over with if it wouldn't send me to hell.

So I guess I do understand the fear many Christians feel and how it shows itself in their bumper stickers. However, I don't think they consider how the things they say and paste on their Honda Civics sound to the ears of a non-believer.

Just in case one of you is reading, it sounds like close-minded, spiritual bullying. The promise of hell is not a good recruiting tool -- unless you're trying to build up the other team.